Time Heals Not
by Dark Chyld713
Summary: When Randy Orton makes a drunken mistake and walks away without looking back he realizes that sometimes times doesn't heal all wounds and mistakes. Randy OrtonOCJohn Cena
1. Chapter 1

People say that time heals all wounds. They want to believe that- no matter what may have happened between two people – given enough time it will all go away. Whether left untreated or not.

Me personally, I have a hard time believing in that. I have a hard time coming to terms with simply letting something go. Especially something that has never been apologized for, never properly put to rest. It sits with me never truly going away. With no true resolution how is time supposed to heal a wrong that has never been properly tended to?

And as I sit and talk to my husband I know that I have never believed that as strongly as I do in this moment. In this moment that he is trying to convince me that I need to let it all go. That I need to forget all that has gone wrong between me and his best friend.

"Come on Maddie, I don't see what the big deal is with any of this."

I sigh and shake my head. Nothing will ever shake my love for the man that is sitting in front of me with a saddened frustrated look on his face. But lord knows that I will continually question how someone who can be so smart can be without any common sense.

"John this isn't anything about what happened that night," I tell him for at least the tenth time during the conversation. My patience is wearing thin as I try to explain once more why I don't want to hang out with Randy Orton over the weekend.

"This is about him not apologizing, about him screaming in my face and walking in and out of our lives like nothing ever happened."

"That's just the way that he is Madison. Do you want him to change who he is? He's a good guy, we go back a long time. I can't just give that up. I won't choose between the two of you. It's not fair to me!"

I flinch at how loud his voice has gotten. Sometimes I forget that my docile, fun loving energetic husband is deep down extremely passionate and almost loyal to a fault. When he brings you into the fabric of his life and heart he won't just let go. That his temper is his worst flaw; and as hard as I am trying to not anger him, his temper is getting the better of him.

"John, honey I don't want to upset you. And there is no way that I am making you choose between me and Randy. I would not want to take that away from you. Your friendship is all yours. I just can't do it anymore. I know how Randy is. I know that he has a hard time admitting that he was wrong. I am not expecting him change, and I'm not asking him to. I just can't keep putting it aside. He crossed the line John. He practically threatened to hit me if he didn't get his way."

"He was drunk!"

"And he walked away the next day without an apology. It's been two months since I've seen him or talked to him. I can't keep going. I don't want to do it anymore. I've given him countless nights of long talks, endless support. I have given him all of who I am only to be treated like I don't matter. You won't ask him to change who he is, please don't ask me to change who I am baby," I say softly, almost pleadingly. I need him to hear me, to truly understand everything that I am feeling, to understand that my heart cannot take anymore heartbreak from Randy Orton.

"I need you both," John says softly, so softly that I strain to make out his words. And as he hangs his head I know that this is hurting him more than he will ever let on to me or Randy.

"Cena," I say with a smile in my voice and on my face. "You will always have us both. Tell him to come by if he wants to talk to me. I will try to work it out with him."

John looks up at me with a smile, not a surprised one but a satisfied one. I shake my head and laugh a bit. God help me if this man doesn't know just about everything of my character. He knows that I hate unresolved issues, and conflict. And he knows that I love him so dearly that I will have this extremely uncomfortable conversation with his friend to make sure that he is the happiest that he can be when he is home with me in my arms.

He drops a kiss on my head and straightens up. "I'm glad you said that because he's dropping by in a half hour."

I control the urge to roll my eyes and groan. I hate it when he does this to me and he knows it. I hate having company being sprung on me at the last possible second. But that is John. It is what he does. His spontaneous and impulsive nature always seems to override any other logical thought in his head.

Instead I nod and get up to change out of my sweat pants. Randy Orton may be my husband's best friend and spent many nights over at our house but for this moment I don't want to see him in sweat pants. I'll look my best when I put Randy Orton and his cocky attitude in his place.

It's that very reason that I get to the door first when I hear the doorbell go off. I don't want him distracted by John. I need him to hear everything that I have to say, I need him to feel all the anger and frustration that I want to unleash on him.

But when I open the door and see the shy smile of remorse and embarrassment my heart melts. The man that stands before me has been so much to me over the past two years. The marriage between John and I has had its very rough patches, and Randy always came to my aide. He was there to listen to me as I was there to listen to him.

Standing before me isn't the Randy Orton that yelled at me, that brought out pure ferocity in me. He isn't the man that jumped in my face with his hand raised like he wanted to truly hit me. He isn't the cocky, arrogant jerk that walked out of my house without saying a word to me or showing any sign of guilt.

Standing before me is the man that I have fallen in love with over two years. He is the man that found the way into the very recesses of my heart; even the parts that my husband has yet to reach. Here is the man that has held me as I cried and shared more of his life and heart with me than he had anyone else.

"Come on in Randall." I smile as I see the way the name makes him cringe. He's always hated that name, and I've known it. I love the way it rolls of my tongue though and I can't help but say it. The fact that it bothers him only serves as more of an incentive to keep on using it.

"Been a while," he tells me simply in that deep gravelly voice. I have always felt that he seems too polished for me to truly find him undeniable sexy but his voice has always made me slightly weak at the knees. "John's been keeping me away. It's not like him to do that. Finally told me to come on by today. What's going on with you lately?"

I nod and step aside to let him walk inside. My heart pounds in my chest as I look up into his intense stare. I can see somewhere deep inside that he has been worried about me in his own way. That although he knows he never apologized and set it right that he doesn't truly know how badly it had truly affected me.

"Yea- umm- let's go sit down we'll talk about it. Want something to drink before we get down to it?"

"If you have a cold bottle of water that would be great."

"It's only been a couple of months Randall, things haven't changed that much." I laugh as he hear him mutter some inaudible choice words towards me for calling him Randall once again.

"So what's up?" He asks me as I hand him his bottle of water and sit down.

I sigh and look at the floor. I can feel it already, the feeling of uneasiness is setting in and I know that I'm about to fight an uphill battle.

"I can't be around you anymore Randy. I can't keep going."

I don't look up, I can't handle his voice, his stare, the confused expression that he probably has on his face right now. But when he finally speaks I know that he thinks that I am completely out of mind. His voice is filled with confusion and irritability. It isn't what I need straight off the bat. It's hard enough to explain to someone who is willing to listen; but to Randy, I know that he won't be willing to accept any of it.

"What do you mean you can't keep going? What have I ever done to you to make you feel like you can't be around me?"

"Don't do that Randy. Don't sit here and act like you don't know. Two months we haven't talked. Two months without seeing each other. You know how and when it started."

"I already talked to John about that. It's been over and done with."

"Not for me," I say shaking my head still refusing to look up. I love this man to the very core of me and it's breaking me in half to talk to him like this. To sit here and tell him that his arrogance has cost us a friendship that I have thought of as perfect and true until recently.

"It hasn't been over for me. If you know anything about me Randy you know that already. You know that I can't just forget everything that happened. You talked to John but what about me?"

"I settled it with you two when I talked to John," he says it so matter of factly that I feel my anger begin to rise.

Forget feeling bad, being broken hearted or a little intimidated by his large frame. I may be slightly over five feet tall and he may be a good foot taller than me but this crap has got to stop. I am not the same as John; a half hearted apology to John is not the same as one to me. I don't want to hear that excuse one more time. I need him to humble himself long enough to apologize to me. A true apology to my face.

"No you did not settle it when you talked to John. I know how talks between you and John go, and I know that he'd forgive you of nearly everything. I am _not John _Randy. Look at me, do I look like John? You walked out of my house after a fight with me without saying sorry. You purposely decided that you wouldn't apologize to me. What was it too hard to do?"

As Randy shakes his head and leans back against the recliner I know that he thinks I'm just being irrational.

"I have let so many things slide Randy. So many fights, hurtful comments, all because I love you, I love our friendship." I get quiet as my feelings come to the surface. I have never said those words out loud to him.

I love my husband don't get me wrong. I love John Cena more than I can ever possibly describe. But there is an unbridled passion that comes along with seeing Randy Orton. Deep, raw desires to feel him wrapped around me and keep him close where I can love him in my own way from a distance.

"It took me a month and a half to get over the fact that you never called, never came by to apologized. I saw in your eyes the next day, you were sorry for what happened, you felt horrible. But you never called me. I know now that I'm not important enough to you, that I'm not ranked high enough in your long list of friends. It took me too long to get over to have you waltzing back in here like its all ok. I can't see you constantly and act like we're fine again."

A silence falls over us as he stares at the ceiling and I stare at the floor. There is so much that I want to see to him, that I _need_ to say to him yet my tongue won't seem to work. My throat goes dry and it feels as if my mouth wants to swallow my tongue whole. How is that I can tell John almost everything that I'm feeling and I can't explain to Randy a fraction of what's going on inside of me?

"I know it was wrong to do," Randy finally says. "It's too late to apologize, so what do you want me to do?"

I stay quiet for a few more eerily still and silent moments before I counter his question. Truth is I don't want him to do anything. I want him to tell me that I mean something to him, that I mean too much to him for him to lose.

"Why didn't you call me? A simply apology and I would have kept you here," I say as I point to my heart.

"I didn't know what to say, didn't know that it was that big of a deal."

"Be honest Randall. I don't want sugar coated nonsense from you. Lay it out for me and I'll do the same for you," I tell him heatedly. The two of us we're so much alike Randy and I. No posturing, no beating around the bush, no nonsense.

"Alright," he says leaning forward on his knees. "You know how I am Maddie. You know that I don't just going around apologizing to anyone."

There it is what hurt me the most deep down. That to Randy I am simply nothing more than an anyone to him.

"I was ashamed of what I did to you, and to John. I've never done anything like that to a woman and for me to do it to you of all people. I was drunk and couldn't control what I was doing. I could barely look at you after that.

"The hurt and disappointment written all over your face, hidden in your eyes. I did that to you and I never thought I would. It killed me. So next day I talked to John. I wanted it so badly to be over that I just left it at that."

I shake my head and sigh. "Randy you know me better than that. I need an apology, a real resolution. You're right about one thing, it's too late for an apology. I need you to leave me alone now, I can't have you in my life."

"Why? Why is all of this so important to you?"

I stand up and walk over to him. His voice is getting louder now and it's only causing me to get angrier at him.

"Because as friends we should be able to respect each other. Because as friends we should care enough about each other to stand by each other through good and bad. Because I thought that you cared more about me than to just leave me stranded and hurt after one incident one night. I thought that we were special together."

"How do you mean?" All anger is gone from his voice and as I stare at his face I know that I've said too much. As much as I want him to know the full reason that I'm unable to let all of this go, I don't know what will happen once I admit to it.

"I love you Randy Orton."

He smiles at me, the first sign of any friendship between us since he walked through my front door. "I love you too Maddie."

"I've fallen in love with you Randy," I tell him quietly, laying my hand on his arm. "I think I fell in love with you that night that you got buzzed and talked to me till dawn. You just broke up with your girlfriend, you were lonely and upset-"

"I kissed you that night," he finishes my thought just as quietly.

Somehow the silence that has fallen between the two of us since my admission has become too valuable to be broken. There is something comforting us both in the knowledge that we aren't saying anything to each other and in turn can't hurt each other with any thoughtlessly spoken words.

"I finally let it all go, the feelings, the thoughts of 'what if we got together'. It took forever to get over the feeling of inferiority, that I wasn't good enough to have you do what was right to keep me around. I know now that even though I loved you with everything that I could, you just don't feel the same. I can't- I can't do it again," I manage to get out before my voice falters and fails me.

I stand before Randy strong and silent, no matter how strong the urge is to hug him and cry I won't give in. Randy has already cost me too much of my energy, my time. I won't spend more time worried over why I wasn't special enough, good enough. Tears will not fall from my eyes no matter how many build up in the back of my eyes fighting for release. I am going to go back to the strong independent woman that I was before Randy broke off pieces of me.

There is nothing more that I can do or say as Randy stands up and moves closer to me. He is a stubborn man that won't give in to anyone if he doesn't feel like it.

But he surprises me as he bends down and gives me a long searing kiss. One that seems to say that he has thought about all the "what if's" as I have. And as he continues to tease my mouth with his own he tells me the only way that he knows how that he has loved me as I loved him. But what I see when he finally breaks away is not what I expect.

He has a frown on his face that seems as if he is close to tears. And now the only thing I fear is that we have permanently closed the door on the chapter of our lives that we have shared together for so long. That with that one kiss he is saying goodbye to me and all that we shared. And even though I know that in some way we need to let go of what we had I can't seem to let him walk out of my arms that have somehow encircled his neck.

"I'm sorry, I was wrong, for everything, even now. I love you Madison Lee, I have loved you for the longest time, and I just never knew what to do about it. You and John, you are amazing together. It doesn't matter how much you fight with each other when you look at each other you get that wonderful twinkle in your eye. That sexy smirk on your face, and I knew that I could never make you do that. You are better off with him and I know that. I wanted to keep you as a friend. I love what you do for me, and how you are always there," he lets out a soft low chuckle. "At least you _were _there for me. You are so incredibly beautiful and sexy," he says in a soft low tone. God his gravelly voice is getting to me, the way he is looking at me with his icy blue eyes that aren't breaking in their intensity. All of it is slowly making me want to kiss him senseless just one more time.

"I never wanted to lose you that was the least of my intentions. I understand now though. You're right, we need to let go and I am not sure if I can do it either."

"What do you mean?" My voice is low; at least it's low enough that I hope he can't hear the tears that want to spring from my eyes that are hidden in my shaky tone.

"It has hurt me not hanging out these last two months just like it's hurt you. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to know that I'm the one that makes you the way you are right now. I'll leave you alone. Goodbye Maddie. I hope that we can get together again one day without all of this. I love you and I will miss you."

He places a soft kiss on my lips and walks away before I can say another word. And even though I'm sad and upset I smile at his retreating form. Randy Orton has finally apologized, finally given in to another person and empathized with someone else's views and feelings. Now if only I could do something about the fact that I feel my heart screaming, crying and breaking inside of me.

"Goodbye Randall," I whisper for what I feel like is the very last time. My lips are still tingling from his kiss, and even though my husband is waiting for me upstairs all I can see is Randy Orton and all I can feel is a large part of my life void and empty.

I smile and shake my head. This is it, the end of the unorthodox, overly close friendship between Randy and I. Sadness won't take over me though, not when I have a wonderful, caring man upstairs waiting and willing to do anything to make me smile.

I watch as Randy drives away before I head upstairs. All John needs to know is that Randy and I have worked out what we needed to, nothing more and nothing less.


	2. Chapter 2

My life as it stands is a good one, and I won't begin to try and convince anyone otherwise. No matter the problems that I have, I know that I'm living a lot happier and a lot better than quite a few people out there.

Life, that's the real problem though. It has this uncanny way, this harsh reminder that no matter how great you are, or how great things seem that it is all going to crash down around you. It knows how to remind you that no matter how big and bad you think you are it is always better. And even if you don't want to believe in fate, destiny, a higher power—whatever you want to call it—it knows how to knock all the wind out of you to remind you that even though you feel in control; even though you feel like you are the one and only person dictating your life it's simply a cruel joke that life plays on you to make you feel safe--- for the time being.

That's how I feel now. It's the feeling that I haven't been able to shake since I had my run in with Madison. I was safe and comfortable in my relationship with her. I had her to call when I was down and out, she was there to comfort me until I was asleep, then she would go back to John, to her husband. And as much as I would open my eyes hoping for her small body to be next to mine, I took comfort in knowing the drill. I knew where I stood with the two of them.

Two weeks ago I knew exactly who I was, where I stood with my best friends, I had a handle on my life. That was of course until I walked into the Cena household; until I talked to Maddie, and I heard my Maddie tell me that she loves me. My Maddie, it may sound possessive and controlling but it's how I feel about her. She may not truly be mine the way that I want her to be, but I don't know how else to feel.

Even now as I watch John wrap his arms around his wife who he probably hasn't seen in a little over a week, I can only think of her as mine. I can only see her lips on mine, and her arms wrapped around my neck, declaring her just as possessive of me as I am of her. I don't know how to feel any other way but this. This jealousy that is building in me, causing me to nearly growl from the very pit of my stomach, it is so overwhelming that it scares me.

I have only been this upset over one other woman and I haven't seen or heard from her in over a year. And my darling Madison was the one that helped me get through it all. One look into her great big green eyes or hearing her whisper something to me in French. That soft sweet accent that she took from her mother; it has always been enough to floor me. And I have to look away as she and John share a long kiss almost as much as I need to watch it transpire.

This woman fifteen feet away from me is not mine to have, I know that. At least I think I know that, on some level, somewhere deep inside of my body that is now screaming at me to jump on John and tear him limb from limb.

Even through my unwarranted fit of jealousy I see Madison break free of John's lips and give me a warm smile. Oh that smile that I have lived for, for the last two years. I don't think I could be any happier than I am now, knowing that she still can smile at me. That even though two weeks ago I told her that I would stay away from her she can still make me feel safe and protected is something that is above and beyond priceless to me.

I can't help but strike my infamous pose and smirk at her which will probably always make her laugh. She always says it's because she knows that I'm not so bad off screen than I am on. She always had the highest of faith in me. To not get too cocky, to not get too full of myself no matter how many girls I have screaming around me. And honestly she has always been a big part of the reason that I haven't gotten such a big head, any time that I was close to it she always deflated it far too quick. Just one more reason that I can't get enough of this woman.

Another reason why I can't seem to stop my legs from moving towards the happy couple and standing around like a complete idiot until they decide to include me in their conversations. Simply standing there waiting rocking on my heels until they are done trading smiles and "I love you's" through small kisses.

"Look who decided to join me on the road," John finally turns his head to me with a big grin. He's smiling like a little school boy who finally started summer vacation and I can't blame him. I vowed to give this woman the space she needed and I'm lighting up from the fact that she's here.

"How are you Maddie?" I barely recognize my own voice. It's so soft and filled with concern. Concern that I'm truly feeling for this little woman standing in front of me. I'm so used to being able to call her or message her whenever I feel that I find myself worrying all the time about her. If she's really doing alright when she's alone after John has broken yet another promise to make it home when he can't. If she isn't having a hard time dealing with the worry of if John is cheating when he begins to miss their daily phone calls.

I release a breath that I haven't even realized that I was holding in when she gives me a small nod and answers me. "I'm good, really good. How are you Randall? Staying out of trouble?"

I laugh and nod. Things may not be as easy and playful as they once were but at least I can see this woman without breaking out in tears. At least that is what I'm telling myself as we exchange goodbyes and I watch her walk away with John.

My heart is nearly beating out of my chest and I'm nearly dying for one more kiss. One more dip into that wonderful world of bliss her lips bring me to anytime I touch them. I have to hear her tell me one more that she loves me. That no matter how things may have gone between us that she has loved me the best that she knew how. I need to talk to her. I need her to be mine at least once.

John is my best friend and I love him as my own family. And the only thing that is stopping me from acting on every instinct that is inside of me right now is the loyalty that I have for him. John and I have never fought over a woman before and I don't ever want it to happen.

Even though I don't want to feel this way about Madison, or think about taking her to my bed and trying my hardest to show her that I am most definitely the right lover for her, I can't stop thinking about it. It's the only thing that is on my mind. The only thought that can seem to make it longer than a few seconds in my brain that has suddenly become scattered and unable to focus on anything but the images that I am conjuring up of Madison.

The hard pounding on the hotel door finally pulls me out of my sinful thoughts about my best friend's wife. And the shock on my face as I open the door must be evident by the smile playing on her lips. As if my thoughts had conjured her up, Madison stands in front me as gorgeous and scintillating as always.

"I didn't know where else to go," her voice is trying to remain light and happy even as her eyes are clouded over with sadness and possibly a bit of anger, or maybe resentment.

I smile and step aside to let her in. "You are always welcome here. I'm not really sure though why you aren't with your hubby making up for lost time. As I recall he missed his visit home this week."

I'm surprised by the harsh chuckle that passes through her lips. I've never heard any sort of sound come from her. Then again I've never been privy to every emotion she might display in a relationship.

"Work, again. You know Cena, nothing is more important to him than his work; Apparently not even when I take time off of work to come be with him."

I watch her sink onto the bed and her shoulders sag. There it is, the depression that she goes through when John doesn't realize just how hard this life is on her. Not that she didn't know what she was getting herself into when she had decided to marry him, because she did. She talked to me about what it would do to her on plenty of nights. What is getting to her now is the fact that John is not the one sitting next to her trying to calm her fears. He is too busy trying to play superman in front of the world that he's leaving his wife in his dust leaving her to carry all of his emotional slack.

This isn't me guessing just by looking in her watery eyes. It's the same fight that Madison has been having with John for years. It's the fight that they will probably have until he retires from this business—if they make it that long.

"Come on Maddie you know that he loves you like crazy," I try for reassuring first as I sit on the bed next to her. I can smell the mixture of her body wash and perfume as I sit next to her and it seems to be beckoning me, taunting me until I take her in my arms and taste her once again.

"He's just a man, a stubborn man who makes mistakes some times. I'm sure that he didn't realize that him leaving for something unexpected would get you so upset."

"I know that he doesn't mean to upset me, and that he really does love me. I mean he wouldn't have begged me to come on the road with him if he didn't. I'm just not so sure that I can do this anymore. I'm trying so hard, but it seems like the longer we're married the less he's around. He's so comfortable just leaving whenever something comes up last minute. Leaving when he's supposed to spend time home, barely coming home as it is; I can't help the feeling of abandonment that keeps popping up in my gut. And if I mention it to him to just talk it out so that maybe he can help me put my fears aside it only turns into an argument."

I keep staring at Madison trying to focus on what she's saying instead of thinking about how sexy I think she is angry when her eyes spark up, or how full her lips get when she begins to pout. I know that she is hurting over what John has done. But in honesty I really don't need to focus that much on what is being said. It's the same old fight that she and John have when he starts getting caught up in work; which is staring to get a bit excessive.

"Maddie the two of you fight about this all the time to be honest," I finally say as her emotional tirade nears its end. "You know that you love each other and that you aren't going to leave him. He's the best thing that you have, the only thing probably. I mean besides work."

I hear the sigh that escapes her lips. I don't mean to impress her further than she already is. But she's private and has had a hard time finding friends outside of her job since she's moved to Tampa full time with John. He's her life line when it comes right down to it, and I know that some days he doesn't understand that.

"Come on Maddie don't be upset about this. You're here with me; we can do what we used to do when you got into a fight with John."

I hear her laugh and shake her head. "Training with you is almost pure torture. Besides I already got my workout in today. Another one will kill me. I just want to sit and be depressed about John. I'm just going to go back to my room and sit alone for a bit. I'm still reeling from our fight before he stormed out and dragged myself over here to bother you with all of this after everything between me and you- "

She stops talking and the lingering end of the sentence sends my heartbeat into overtime once more. And now I can feel it the anger, the jealousy is rising up inside of me once more. John has what I have wanted for years and here she stands in front of me with misty eyes and heartbroken. I want to be able to comfort her and make her feel better. At the same time I want to tell her that she needs to leave John and come to me. So many thoughts are running through my mind that I barely notice when she hugs me to say goodbye to me at the door. It's only when I feel her lips on mine for a quick kiss that I come back to my senses and pay attention to what's happening around me.

"I just wanted to thank you for letting me vent even after everything that I told you," She's avoiding my gaze and staring at her hands.

"Maddie you are one of my favorite people and you can always come here. No matter what."

"Thank you Randall," I cringe at the name but can't help smiling when I hear a giggle float through her lips. "I love you," she says sweetly putting her hand on the door knob.

Before I can stop myself and tell myself that what I want to do is an extremely bad idea I put my hand over hers and slowly turn her around to face me. My body seems to be acting of its own free will when I cup her face and bring her lips up to meet mine.

I can hear my father's words playing over in my head as he warns me, _"Never mess with a married woman. Marriage is something you never toy with son. Do anything else you want to do but stay away from married women." _He warned me the last time I saw him. I couldn't help but talk about my Madison. And even though the words are echoing and pounding against my ears I can't seem to stop myself from pinning her against the door and getting more aggressive.

I am always used to being in charge in every facet of my life, especially the bedroom. This time, even though I seem in control I am not totally sure exactly what I am doing, what I want the two of us to be doing. I just know that I can't get my lips off of hers and the way that she is panting is making me lose almost all of my control.

"Randall," she whispers against my lips slightly pushing me away from her. "I don't know what that was about."

I force myself to back away from her as far as I can without breaking contact. I'm not sure what happened between us but I know that I can't stop touching her, not right now. Not while she has that strong seductive look in her eyes and panting, trying to fight the effect that I have just had on her.

"I mean I have John, and even though we- "

"I know," I say before she can finish her sentence.

"And you told me that you and I would- "

"I know."

"You said that you couldn't be- "

"I know," this time I say it loudly and drop my head. She doesn't need to finish a single sentence for me because every doubt that she is feeling I am feeling as well. Every thought that she is trying to express to me through her panic is racing through me.

"I'm sorry Madison I really am. I don't know what that was about."

I see her start to speak but we both jump when we hear a knock on the door. And my surprise and guilt nearly send me to my knees as I see John standing in my doorway with a small bouquet of lilies and a remorse filled smile.

"Did Maddie happen to make her way over here? We kinda got into it and I don't know where else she would go besides here."

I try to manage my best unaffected smile as I swing the door open giving Madison a look to see if she is ok enough for me to let John in. She plasters a smile on and I move away to let the two embrace and "kiss and make up".

I busy myself as they step out into the hall and work out their current fight. And I know that in a few weeks time it will happen again. Only next time I don't know if I can have her in my bed or not.

When the door opens once more I smile at Madison looking relaxed and slightly anxious. I know how she's feeling. I love the fact that her and John have worked things out so soon. He makes her happy and all I honestly want for her is to be happy. But at the same time I can't explain what I did before. I cannot honestly describe one single emotion that is flowing through me.

"John ducked out of his work things for the night. We're going to go out and spend some time together."

I nod at her and stand up. I don't honestly know what to say to her. I'm not ever sure if my voice will work after what has happened between us.

"I don't know what happened before but-"

I put a hand up to stop her from talking. I don't know what she wants to say to me about before. I only know that right now I cannot handle talking about what I felt. Mainly because I can't honestly tell anything that I'm feeling.

"Don't," I say in a low voice. "I can't do this right now. Go have your night with John."

She nods and moves to the door. I've just managed to screw things up even more between the two of us and I'm feeling like more of an idiot than I have before.

"Hey," I catch her hand once more and force her to look at me. I plant a soft kiss on her lips and bend to whisper in her ear. "Come back later beautiful. I'll be here waiting."

I can see the blush in her cheeks but she says nothing as she leaves my room letting the door slam closed behind her.

I hang my head and sit on the bed. I know that she thinks I'm volatile and unpredictable. I've messed things up with Madison more than once now, and I can see that our relationship is starting to take its toll on her.

Maybe time will heal all of these mistakes that I've made; maybe it will make things worse. All I know is that right now my heart won't stop racing until I can have Madison sitting next to me talking through everything that I have done wrong.

* * *

**Ok so after a long emotional night and day of fighting with my man I've written a second chapter to this. Originally I only wanted to do one maybe two chapters... I don't know where it's going now or if this will be the end since I'm kind of enjoying writing Randy right now. Let me know what you think and if I should do a bit more :)**

**And as always ENJOY**


	3. Chapter 3

Society, no matter how much we claim has grown and evolved, still holds its stereotypes, and still holds its expectations for people. Females are split into two general groups, career women who are expected to sacrifice children and marriage to be the top of their respective fields, and homemakers who are expected to sacrifice their careers for their children and marriage. Each group gets constantly criticized and each group of women holds doubts as to whether or not it would be right for them to change genres and go from one generality to the next.

In all honesty there are tons of women that do both, hold jobs and raise wonderful loving families. My mother was one of them. In fact she was a wonderful single mother that did her best to be at every major school function and at work at the same time. And without truly knowing how she did it, all I know is that she definitely did an amazing job at doing it.

Now the problem that I have is warring between what I honestly want to do with my time. John makes enough money to allow us to live more than comfortably and I know that. But I find something so satisfying about bringing home my own paycheck, going to my own office. At least while I'm working I'm part of society in some way. I love my job as an editor. I've worked for years to get this far and I am not so sure that I want to give it up. At least not until I hear the ranting of my husband about how I should stop working and start concentrating on a family.

John isn't old fashioned by any means. He would never tell me that I need to quit my job. But he knows that I cannot raise a family if I have to pull all nighters to get a book finished by deadline. My focus needs to be in one area of my life. At least in my line of work.

"John, I know what you are saying, and I know what you want. I just don't want to spend all night talking about this," I say as I stare at his eager face across the table.

In all honesty I'm getting extremely frustrated by his constant pushing. Every day on the road has been filled with talk of starting a family and leaving my job. And not that I don't want those things I don't want to be _pressured_ into any of those things. And without realizing it that is what John is starting to do.

"It's a big decision we need to talk about it."

Frustrated by the fact that all of sudden all I have become to John is a baby maker I throw my napkin down on the table and stand up. We've been talking about all of this for a week. I've been ignoring Randy for a week to spend time with my husband. And I am sorely disappointed with how things are turning out.

"I've talked about enough for now. You can finish up by yourself."

I don't give John a chance to object or ask what's wrong with me before I turn and walk quickly out of the restaurant. I'm emotionally drained and I am not in the mood to do anything other than go upstairs to my room and try and sleep.

"Madison," I hear someone call me.

In my daze I don't honestly know who is calling me. All I can hear in my head is John's words. All I can feel deep inside of me is pure confusion at the way my relationships all seem to be complicating themselves further beyond anything that I'm comfortable with.

"Maddie are you alright?"

I look up and my brain finally registers that it's Randy standing in front of me. But something is not right with him. He keeps nervously looking around as he is asking me something. What is it that he's asking me? The sadness in me is overwhelming and I can only see his mouth moving. Somewhere in my head John is telling me to give up the only thing that saves my sanity while he's off playing superman to the masses.

Ok maybe he isn't playing superman literally, but to all the young kids out there he might as well be the modern day superman. They love his charm, his wit, and his looks. I love those things too truth be told; only I barely get to enjoy them anymore. And now even as I'm staring into Randy's blue eyes something inside of me is telling me that I don't have Randy around anymore either.

"Hey, Madison what is wrong? It's like you're looking past me. Can you even hear me?"

I still stare at Randy without hearing a word that he's saying. I want to focus on he's saying but that requires the pounding echo of John's words to leave my head. He's still talking to me. Something about whether or not I'm hearing him? Or he is saying that I look like someone killed my dog? My dog? Why would he say that? He knows that I don't have a dog.

"I don't have a dog," I say aloud giving a small jump when I hear Randy laugh.

How can he be laughing? I feel like everything around me is falling apart and he's laughing?

"I never said anything about a dog Maddie. I told you that you have been staring at me too long. What's going on with you?"

I shake my head trying to quite John's voice. God he's so loud. Why he is yelling when he's right inside my head?

"I'm sorry I guess I can't really focus right now. I just have a lot going on in my head. What were you trying to say to me?"

"I just wanted to make sure that you are ok beautiful. Something seems off with you."

Normally I would try to force some form of a smile. Try to reassure him that everything is going to be just fine. But this time I can't. I don't know how to fake being happy anymore. I've ignored Randy when all I wanted was his company. And I'm fighting with John about something that I should be so ready to give in to.

"I'm having a hard time lately," I say to him as I drop my eyes to the floor. If I stare at him any longer I don't think I can resist the urge to touch him and kiss him.

He's so much of my confusion that I don't know whether I should stay away or try to get closer to him. I love John with all my being but this man ignites lust inside of me. And when I see him and I'm close enough to smell his cologne my body screams to give into the lust when my brain and my heart tell me to run the other way.

"Is there anything that I can help with?" he asks me.

My eyes search his face as I see him once more look around scanning the hallway nervously.

"Am I keeping you from something?" I ask. I was once so comfortable coming to Randy with anything that was on my mind. Now I'm getting the feeling though that there is something else that he would rather be doing and somewhere else that he would much rather be besides here with me right now.

I study his face hard and I see in the small frown and the worry lines that are creasing his forehead that he is trying not to tell me that he has already planned on doing something and running into me was a complete accident that was never supposed to happen.

"I am keeping you. I'll be fine really just go on. I'm sure John is going to come looking for me soon anyway," I say. And even as the words come out of my mouth I know that they are dripping with the frustration and dislike I am feeling towards John at the moment.

"Maddie you couldn't even answer me when I first ran into you, I'm not going to just leave you here."

"Randy, I know that you want to help me, but I don't know exactly what we have here. You confuse me so much that I don't know what to do."

"You never came back," he says quietly as he is staring at me with eyes that tell me he was hurt by that.

"I have a husband," I state simply. "One that I love."

"I know that," I see him nod and look at me, and I'm sure my face is full of skepticism. "I really do know it, and I'm not trying to break you two apart. I just—" he pauses staring at the ceiling. Why is this all of a sudden so awkward between us? "I don't know what I'm doing."

"I know you don't," I tell him matter of factly. "I don't know what I'm doing either. I'm walking around in this big fog and it's never happened to me before. I mean really I thought that I would have you around any time that I didn't have John but now—I don't know if that is so true anymore."

I barely get to finish my sentence as I see a tall, leggy brunette come down the hall with a large smile on her face. Before she even reaches Randy I know why she's here, and I know why Randy has been itching to get away from me.

"Your conquest for the night huh?" I ask pointing to the woman now only a few feet away from the two of us. I see the blush that creeps up his neck and takes over his face. He's always been a ladies' man and I don't think that will change anytime soon. "Sorry I've taken so much of your time. I don't want to take away from miss one nighter's time with you."

I look down to hide the look of confusion and shock that is on my face. Nothing that just came out of my mouth sounds like me. And the hurt that I'm feeling inside isn't me either. Am I going through a bit of p.m.s? My voice is laced in sarcasm and disdain yet inside I'm feeling jealousy.

"She isn't a one nighter Madison," Randy hisses through his clenched jaw. I knew that I would touch a nerve when I said it and yet I let it get past my brain and out through my mouth anyway. "I've been out with her a few times. If you weren't so wrapped up in John than maybe you'd know."

The tears that sting the back of my eyes are there almost the instant after the harsh words come out of Randy's mouth. I am here not to be with anyone else other than John. Why would it hurt him so much if I were spending time with John and not Randy?

"I'm sorry," he says quickly. "I don't know why I just said that. It was reflex after what you said to me."

"It's always reflex Randall. Always something other than you that make you say and do the things you do. It was the alcohol times before that, it was my words now. I'm sorry too, I don't know why I thought that we could keep going like this."

It's only after I fight off the tears that I notice that the brunette has been at Randy's side for a couple of minutes trying to figure out why the two of us are serious and upset.

"I am sorry about anything that you may have heard," I tell her kindly. "I'm not usually so emotional and I don't say things that I don't think about first. I'm just having a very hard day. But of course none of that is any of your concern or problem. I won't keep the two of you from your night any longer."

"At least let me introduce you first," Randy says softly as he takes my wrist to keep me from walking off. He doesn't wait for me to nod my consent or object. He turns to the woman at his side and gives a small lopsided smile. The smile that used to be saved for me when I would make fun of him. Now he's using it on someone else, showing someone else just how big of a nerd he can truly be when the cameras are off of him.

"Madison this is my friend Eva," I smile and offer my hand as I try not to gag at the word friend. Randy isn't "friends" with any single female. More like "friends with amazing benefits". It's dying to come out of my mouth so I force a larger smile to the point where I feel like my face will split in half so I don't speak. "Eva this is Madison, John Cena's wife. She's on the road visiting for the next week or so."

More information than this woman ever needs to know about me. She's about to take my Randy back to a room and give him something that I will never be able to give him. She's about to invade on everything that I need to keep to myself even if it doesn't make any sense. I can't be her friend, I can barely manage civil. This woman is taking my dearest friend and my one life line when things are wrong with John. I need him to keep loving me so I won't feel like such a fool for loving him. How can any of that happen when he's in some room screwing another woman?

I vaguely hear her say something about it being a pleasure to meet me and how great and funny John is. Woah, wait back up, did she just say how funny John is? How would she know?

I keep my smile in tack as I find the loud booming voice of John coming back in my head. Nothing will stop, and it seems life never gives me a break. My best friend is slipping away and I don't know if I can give my husband everything I've promised him for years. Where had life gone so wrong? Oh I know the night that Randy crossed the line after getting drunk. The night he didn't apologize for until months later. Nothing has been the same since then and I don't know if they will ever go back.

"I'm glad that he was so nice to you. At least I've managed to get him housebroken."

I know that I'm joking and making a good impression because I see the smile grow on Randy's face. I'm still hurting from the words he said to me. Isn't this the way it is supposed to be? He wanted to leave me alone, and he wanted to move on. So now when it's staring me in the face why am I so disheartened by it?

I see him send his little woman along and turn to face me. His face falls a bit when he sees that my smile has already fallen off of my face.

"You never showed up Maddie," he says as if that explains it all.

I want to yell, to scream, to tell him that I can't be a call girl, and I can't put my husband through the ordeal of me having an affair with his best friend. I am a married woman with obligations and responsibilities but the broken look in his eyes stop me from saying anything. I don't know what to say to him, or how to make him feel any better. I don't know how to make me start feeling any better.

"We both said that we needed to move on. What am I supposed to do wait years and years? I can't just sit around and wait until you wake up and realize that you and John won't last."

At this I can't do anything but land a hard slap across his face. I know he's hurt and angry about how things are between us but his words are wrong and uncalled for.

"You know what Randall I'm glad that I don't have to deal with you anymore. You have screwed up time after time after time. This time though I don't have to worry about forgiving you or fixing things with you. And guess what, one night or one week it doesn't matter. That woman will be out of your bed in a few days anyway. I know you are hurting with everything that's happening but don't you dare ever tell me that my marriage won't work."

I begin to walk away as I hear Randy call my name and ask me to stop so that he can apologize. But I don't want him to apologize, and I don't want to hear his voice, his wonderfully sexy voice. I'm tired and I'm hurting and Randy Orton is the cause of it all. He's a good man, and he'll make someone happy. Maybe it's time to start realizing that that person just won't be me.

I open the door to my hotel room and fall into my husband's arms and kiss him all over his face and neck. We have our problems, what couple doesn't? But one thing I know for sure is that John will be there for me at the end of the day. We'll fight but I can crawl into bed and find that he isn't scowling he's smiling. He loves me for everything that I am and everything that I'm not. There's nothing more that I can ask for. So why is it that Randy's hurt angry eyes keep flashing before me anytime I close my eyes? I mean he was the one that screwed up yet again.

And still, yet again I know that I simply can't let it go so easily. Not until we fully have it out for one last time. One last time, one last time.

The words flow through my mind over and over as I make my way down to his room. John is asleep and won't notice for hours that I'm not next to him. I can't sleep, not until I talk to Randy. Even if he is in the middle of something, Randy and I are solving it all tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

Wisdom is supposed to come with age. All of life's experiences are supposed to come together in this wealth of lessons and sage advice for others. I'm nearly thirty and I'm still wondering when my wisdom is going to kick in as well as my patience.

I can't count the number of times that I've been fined, suspended and nearly screwed out of my job for losing my temper. The horrible part is that I lose it over the littlest of things. I have no advice for anyone around me since I can barely handle my own life.

I've seen the world and have had the opportunity to meet some of the best fans, loyal followers and interesting people from all walks of life. I know that it's supposed to amount to something, but if I'm being honest it doesn't. And the busy hectic schedule that I have allows me little to no time to decompress. So my temper, short as it normal is, is virtually non-existent once I've managed to start getting a few hours of sleep.

And tonight sleep has been cruel and evading me for hours. I sent Eva on her way once I got back to my room. I really like her and it's not her fault that I feel extremely hurt and ashamed at what happened with Madison in the hall. But I am smart enough to know that if she would have stayed around I would have misdirected my anger and aggression towards Eva. And I'm trying not to destroy anymore relationships with people that I start to care for. See I guess I did learn a thing or two in that anger management program thanks Vince.

The constant pounding at my door though is about to wreck everything I worked so hard to get over. Counting to ten, visualizing my anger floating away, any of those fruity little tactics that I hate won't work right now. I'm about to fling open the door and jump on whoever is standing at the doorway pounding. Screw company policy about not fighting, about presenting a good front. Screw the fact that I'll probably destroy thousands of dollars in hotel property. I'm just thinking about destroying the annoying little tard standing at the door. I know that I have no patience, and past experiences have given me no wisdom or working knowledge of how to stay out of trouble. Life is obviously out to screw me over.

"What?" I use my deepest most menacing tone that I can dig up from the pit of my stomach as my door flings open.

"Oh I don't think that you have any right to give me that type of attitude. Not after the crap that you said to me in the hallway earlier."

I try to hide my surprise at seeing Madison standing in my doorway. After everything that I said to her I assumed that she wouldn't be willing to see me anytime soon.

"I didn't realize that it would be you, I'm sorry."

She nods her head and stands in front of me silent with her arms crossed. God if her body language doesn't tell me that I'm in for a world of trouble right now. She's normally extremely laid back and relaxed but right now she's tense from the tip of her head to her toes that are gripping the carpet.

"Come on in Maddie, I guess we need to talk huh?"

I move aside and let her walk passed me to stand by the hotel dresser. Great she won't even sit down, now I know I'm royally screwed. She shrugs me off when I offer her a seat either on the bed or in one of the chairs in the hotel room. She doesn't want to sit near me, and I don't honestly blame her. In all of my guilt I don't really want to be in my own skin right now.

I watch her foot tap up and down rapidly. She's thinking about her choice of words. She wants every word that she says to hurt, to sting just like I did to her. And even when I know that I should be thinking about how best to diffuse the whole situation and calm her down before she gets over excited I can't help but take a good look at her body. I've always loved being over the Cena household at night. Madison hates to sleep in a lot of clothes. Now she stands before me in a small pair of shorts that show off every inch of her long, toned legs. At 5'5" she's a small woman, at least compared to me, and every inch of her is firm and toned. She's no health freak she just loves the empowered feeling she gets when she works out. And her small tight tank top shows off the cleavage that she was so amply blessed with.

Why can't I keep my eyes off of this woman? My head should be hanging in shame; my soul should be racked with guilt. I should be rooting my best friends on not hoping they fail. The problem is though that when she's standing in front of me showing me exactly how feisty and fiery she can get I can think of nothing else besides how beautiful she is.

"Are we going to be interrupted by your woman walking out of the bathroom in your shirt or a towel or something barely covering her curves any moment?"

I give a small grin and shake my head. "Her name is Eva Maddie, and no I sent her to her room for tonight."

"You finally through with her?"

"Madison Lee I have told you already that I like her ok? I actually care for her and she isn't going to be my 'flavor of the week'. I asked her to give me a night alone. I was a bit too over emotional after our run in."

I try to keep my voice level but the venom in Madison's voice is going full throttle and she's pushing every button I have.

She sighs and her shoulders sag a bit. She's giving in. She can't keep going the resentful, hateful route much longer it isn't who she is. She'll give you a piece of her mind any time she feels like it, but saying things to be spiteful has never sat well with her. If I can get past this part with her I might be able to find out why she's in my room in the middle of the night.

"I couldn't sleep because of all this," she finally says motioning her arm between the two of us. "I was so happy coming on the road with John and now all I have are a thousand doubts and insecurities. And then you—you go off and tell me that my marriage is going to fail."

"Maddie I shouldn't have- "

"Don't say anything Randy, not until I get through this. I know that John and I have our problems what couple doesn't? What I don't understand is why all of a sudden you have a problem with John and I. Or why you are so cold and cruel towards me. I know that you and I can never really be together but I just figured that when we did see each other it would be civil enough. Instead of that though you start throwing all these angry comments towards me. You walked away from me Randy! You walked away from me a long time ago. I didn't just decide to abandon you and live my life without you in it. You chose your bed Randall Keith you have to lie in it."

I listen to every word that she has to say and I know that she's right. I chose not to apologize for my drunken fight; I chose to leave her life when she confronted me. I avoided her as much as she avoided me after the encounter in my hotel room. She didn't deserve my words in the hallway, but I didn't deserve her words either.

"You aren't completely innocent here Madison. You were out of line with the way you talked the minute that you saw Eva walking up to us. I know that what I said hurt you and I'm sorry but this is weird for me. It's uncomfortable and unfamiliar and I don't know how to handle it. I like Eva I like her a lot but for some reason when I am with her all I do is compare her to you. She's taller than you, do I honestly like that? Her eyes are this gorgeous shade of deep brown and not green if they were green she would be so much more beautiful. And she only knows one language. She can't whisper to me in French like you loved to do when I was having a hard day. I like her for who she is; except I would like her better if she were like you. You stand by John, hug him, kiss him, crawl into bed with him at night and now all of a sudden I feel myself getting jealous at everything he does. He gets to hold you at night; I sit here and fight with you. He has this amazing relationship with you that I will never really understand and I turn around and screw up my relationship with you time after time. I don't know what to do here Madison you need to help me."

I hang my head as my emotional outburst is over. All that I've said to her just now has been eating me up inside. I'm lost and confused and I don't know what to do. I love John as my brother, but I love Madison as a would be lover. For me there is no choosing between the two. Not without cutting someone out and hurting someone in the process.

I don't even realize that I'm crying until I feel small, soft hands wipe away the tears that are sitting on my cheeks. I've never been overly emotional so I'm surprised that I'm even shedding these few tears right now.

"You need to help me out here Madison because I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

I know that I have said those words to her at least three times since she's walked in the room but it's all I can say. It's the only thought running through my mind. I have to figure out what to do and I know that I won't be figuring it out on my own. She and I need to come to some common ground, some shaky agreement that will help be civilized towards each other whenever we see each other from now on.

"What do you want from me Randall? What do you want me to do? You confuse me so much. How can you tell me all these things about how you think about me and love me and avoid me and insult me the very next time you see? You kiss me and hold me to the point that I wish I weren't married to John and then we don't speak for a week. You need to tell me what you want from me. What do you expect me to do?"

I can only look in her eyes and study every feature of her face. I know that she's confused, and I know that she's hurting. And I know the next words that come out of my mouth are going to make her blow up at me. She's going to be utterly furious. But if I'm going to start fixing anything, I need to tell her the truth.

"Honestly Madison, I want you to leave John. I want you to walk away from him and come be with me. I want you to look at me and tell me that you love me and need me the way that I find myself needing you."

"You want me to leave my husband? I'm supposed to up and walk away from someone who I love so much and have given up so much for because you are a little jealous? I'm supposed to break John's heart and gamble on something that won't work? Why Randall? Because you want what you want. Because you can't stand to know that you aren't getting everything that want."

"NO!" I yell loudly interrupting her. We've tried to keep it quiet and relaxed, but we both knew that it would turn to this. We're brawlers; we love hard and fight hard. I'm surprised that it took this long before I started yelling.

"This has nothing to do with me not getting what I want! Contrary to popular opinion I am not a spoiled bratty little boy who feels entitled to anything I please! And I thought you of all people knew and believed that. I don't want you to leave John because I am having a hard time accepting that I can't have you. I want you to leave John because ever since you told me how you feel about me I can't see myself with anyone but you. Because I dream about you at night; and when I look at you I can see nothing but you falling into my bed."

I can see the tears come to Madison's eyes and I know that this has all taken its toll on her. We've relied on each for so much for so long that we don't know how to be without one another. I don't know who else to go to when I can't turn to her. But now it's more than that. She's conflicted about her feelings and it's tearing her up inside.

I hate knowing that I'm helping all this along. She's confused because I say that I'll let go but I can't seem to. I tell her that I can't be in her life but every time I see her I find myself licking my lips hoping that I can kiss her once more. Hoping that she'll let me hold her if only for a few moments.

My voice softens the moment I see her tough exterior begin to crack. I know that she loves me and cares for me, but I can't beat out John. I can't top just how in love with her husband she is. She has never made a true move on me, and anytime that she does respond to me it's only her body reacting. It's merely sexual chemistry between the two of us and nothing more. I want it to be more so desperately that I will almost imagine it happening. I will play it over and over in my head until by a miracle of god it becomes a reality.

"I want you to leave John because I die inside every single time that I see you loving him. I need you to leave John because I love you Maddie. My Maddie, that's what you are to me, you are my Maddie and no one else's. Look at me beautiful," I tell her softly as I lift up her head so that our eyes meet once more. I hate to see her cry but I am taking a small amount of comfort in the knowledge that she's affected by what I am saying, probably more than she wants me or anyone else to know.

"I love you. I. Love. You."

I'll tell her anyway that I can that I am madly in love with her. I'll say it with words and I know that I will tell her with my body as I am wiping away her tears brushing my finger over her soft full lips.

"Randall I can't do this again. I love John and so do you. He means too much to both of us to throw it away on some stupid fling that is never going to work."

I shake my head and put on my sexiest grin. I don't know why I'm doing this honestly. I'm not trying to seduce her and she is right. John means too much to me to jeopardize our friendship over this. I can control my feelings. Except if I'm looking into Madison's eyes or touching her soft sweet skin; then nothing really matters to me at that point.

"I'd risk anything for you, give up anything for you."

"I can't do the same for you Randy. I don't think that I would even if I could."

The words crush me even before she finishes her thought. I knew that it's the reaction that I should have been expecting but I wasn't ready for it. I'm not ready to hear that I've ruined my chance with her.

"I'm not even sure that I can keep being your friend. It's a good thing that you have Eva and I have John. We both need people that are good for us."

"I don't want her, I want you. And tonight I'm not going to take less than all of you, every single inch of you and everything you have to offer."

I wish that I could say I have no control over what I'm doing. That I am trying to stop myself from hitting on my best friend's wife but I am honestly not. I'm doing everything to encourage my body to continue. And when my lips come to rest against her in the gentlest of ways I encourage her to think with her body. Her body loves mine and I don't want it to stop at all.

She resists slightly at first, unwilling to move or go along with me, but her skin is on fire, just like mine. I need this woman, if only for one night, and this is the night that it's going to happen.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything. It seems that I lost my wife in the middle of the night and on my way looking for her I find a slightly open door and a couple making out. Didn't realize that you were sneaking out Madison I would have given you more time if I knew."

I don't have to look in the direction of the voice to know that it's John and to know that if I make a single move or noise he'll jump me so fast I'll be in the hospital before I realize he's even starting hitting me. I wouldn't fight back because I deserve it and I almost make a move just so that it will happen. I've crossed the line with both of them but I don't know how to stop it. And I most certainly don't know how to fix it.

Even when I should be feeling guilty I feel empty as Madison runs out of my grasp to go and explain everything to her husband. I know she'll be back to smack me. At least that is what she'll want to do. And John will want to bloody me. And I don't blame either one.

No wisdom, no patience, no sage advice. Life is out to screw me out of my relationship with John and Madison. One drunken night, one simple fight had to lead to all of this.

I make no move as John is walking out of my hotel room and Madison is crying harder than ever. I can only make it a little worse from now on.

"I'm sorry, to the both of you," I say into the air as I fall onto my bed and let fresh tears fall freely from my eyes.

* * *

**Somewhere along the course of writing these few chapters I've grown quite fond of writing Randy and Madison. They are speaking to me in a way that I haven't had in a long time, maybe because all of this is coming off of something that I've experienced and it's theraputic to write... I'm not quite sure. All I know is that the more I write the more I love these two and I hope that those of you that do take the time to read do too.**

**Let me know what you think, good, bad, indifferent and everything in between. I love reading the reviews so speak up guys and make me happy :)**

**And of course as always ENJOY!!**


	5. Chapter 5

People are drawn to drama and tragedy. They love a short glimpse into another world, another person's pain. It isn't because we are cruel, uncaring creatures. I believe it is because we care too much.

We care too much about what our bosses say about us, how our families are being raised, if we're making a good impression with the checkout girl at the local grocery store. From the moment we are born we are being conditioned to put stock into other people's opinions no matter how insignificant or obscure it may seem. We are determined to please everyone around us without making mistakes along the way.

People spend their lives analyzing and measuring their success and failure by how others around them are doing that seeing someone else's dysfunctions becomes a welcomed relief from daily quest that becomes our lives to achieve perfection and ultimate happiness.

And nothing peaks peoples interests like a couple having an all out, throw down fight in public for all to hear and see. It's like a car crash. They know that they have to keep on moving along; but stopping for a moment and slowly passing it by is instinctual and almost necessary. And as I chase after John I know that we are about to have an audience for our very own wreck.

"John," I yell to him for what feels like the hundredth time. He hasn't turned around once, or even acknowledged that I've been running after him since he turned and walked out of Randy's room.

"Would you just wait up? Please John, let me talk to you about what happened back there. It really isn't what you thought it was."

I shake my head at how cliché and insecure I must sound to John right about now but I don't know any other way to say to him that this was all a big mistake.

I run a few steps and wrap my hand around as much of his large arm as I can.

"Madison you really do not want to touch me right now," John finally speaks to me in a rage filled whisper.

"Cena, please," I say quietly to him. I want to beg him to listen to me. As I stand in front of him trying to keep my tears from falling I am contemplating dropping to my knees and tugging at any body part I can reach and beg until he listens to everything that I want to say to him.

I also know that he isn't willing to listen to me right now, and until he is, I know no matter what I say he won't truly hear a word of it. I don't need him to listen to me right now though. I need to make sure that he sits down and calms himself down before he winds up in a brawl with someone. All of his passion and spontaneity can backfire when he's angry. And right now I can all but see flames in his eyes and smoke coming from his ears.

"I don't want to talk Madison."

"We don't have to talk. I won't say one word to you. Promise. Just come back to the room, sit down and relax a bit."

"Relax? You want me to relax? Do you know what I just saw?" In his angry tirade John finally turns to look at me and I find myself surprised by what I see.

I expect to see anger as he eyes me and studies my face. The harder I look the less I find of anger and the more I find pain, and see tears sitting in his eyes. His heart is breaking right in front of me and he doesn't know how to take control of it.

"John, please come to the room with me. I'll tell you everything and you'll know that I would never cheat on you."

My voice is so strained from trying not to cry that I barely know it really is me talking. I have no clue what to say to this man standing in front of me. John is all about fun, energy and liveliness. The way his shoulders are sagging and his eyes are tearing is nearly foreign to me.

"You already have cheated on me," he whispers quietly.

I shake my head and sigh. Nothing is coming out from my mouth the right way. I am a woman of words. I help authors find the right words to express exactly what they want to convey. Now though, in this moment, while I am looking at my husband, I have nothing to say that will sound right. I can think of nothing to do that will make him happy or believe me.

"I'm sorry, you're right, I have but I wouldn't sleep with anyone else besides you. I love you too much to put you through that."

"I am already hurting! I'm already hurt, I'm already angry, I'm already confused! You cannot spare me from anything by trying to talk to me!"

He has now lost all control over the volume of his voice. The deep baritone of his voice is booming throughout the hall and disturbing the gentle quiet of the hotel.

"You misunderstand me. I'm not trying to spare you John. I'm trying to explain to you exactly what was happening when you walked in." I keep my voice even and calm. I cannot cry or yell I have to stay calm just in order for John to stay as calm as possible.

Even as my insides are shaking from John's yelling and I want to burst into tears over everything that has happened today I keep my hand on John's arm and stand rooted in front of him. If he won't come back to the room with me I need to stay in front of him, in his sight, talking to him, occupying him. Lord knows what will happen if I let him out of my sight as angry as he is right now.

"What you think you saw was all wrong," I tell him firmly.

John rolls his eyes and puts on his best defensive stance. His arms are crossed and his head is tilted slightly upwards with a cold look in his eyes.

"I don't see how that's possible. Did I walk in on you and Randy kissing?"

"Yes but- "

"Did you have your arms around his neck?"

"Yes but- "

"Did he have his arms around your waist?"

"Yes," I give up trying to explain and simply nod. I told you he won't listen until he's ready.

"Then I did see everything correctly."

"No John, you didn't!" Now I yell.

I know that I should be patient and docile right now. I should be playing extremely remorseful and apologize on my knees. And I am I am guilt ridden and angry with Randy and with myself. But John is staring to irritate me and I just can't manage to truly show it. He's trying to stare me down like I'm an opponent in the ring and it's annoying. He is cutting me off mid-sentence and that is rude and highly frustrating.

"What you saw was the long of a long and complicated situation. You walked in on a big mistake, on something that would have gone nowhere. Now I know what you saw and I know that it is extremely upsetting but you will _not _stand here and make this into something that it was not and would never have been!"

"You had your tongue down Orton's throat don't tell me that it wouldn't have gone anywhere!"

The level of John's voice in reaction to my rant sends me jumping a few inches into the air. I have had plenty of fights with John and always stood toe to toe with him every occasion. We have fought tooth and nail on many occasions. I am used to arguing but not used to being afraid of my husband. Right now he is starting to scare me.

As I stand in front of him trying my best not to smack him and run away crying I am afraid of what he might do to me, to Randy, to himself. I am shivering from being over emotional and nervous. I am afraid of my husband right now, plain and simple.

The realization hits me hard in the gut and I now work at standing upright and fight off the physical pain that wants to make me double over and vomit. I am lost for words, for actions. I know nothing besides the fact that I am now standing in front of a man whom I have never seen before. I blink back my tears and drop my hand from his arm. I no longer want to fight; I no longer want to make him understand anything. I only want to walk away and crawl into bed and cry.

"You're right John ok? Is that what you want to hear? You are right."

John can see the tears in my eyes. I know he can because his face and voice soften no matter how angry he may want to look and sound. Even as he is trying to yell he knows that he's gotten to angry and gone too far. His voice seems to sound a bit softer as he drops his head and runs his hand through his hair.

"I don't want you to agree with me Madison. I don't want you to just stand there and say I'm right. I want you to admit what you've done, what happened."

"I already did John. I told you that Randy and I kissed. It would be kind of hard to deny now don't ya' think?"

I know I have an edge in my voice and I can't seem to help it. John's last comment just got on my nerves. I haven't denied anything; I only want to tell him how much I honestly love him.

"Sarcasm now Madison? I catch Orton feeling you up and you want to break out in sarcasm and give _me _an attitude?"

I catch hold of myself and my emotions long enough to realize that a few of his co-workers are now standing a bit away watching with worried looks on their faces.

"First of all," I say in a loud voice. I want all of John's nosy co-workers and ready to pounce on him divas to get this all straight. If they are going to be part of this fight then they might as well get the facts right. "Orton was not feeling me up. I was a kiss, one little kiss. So stop your exaggerating John. Second of all this is between you and I so all of you standing there watching us can get their own lives and stop trying to nose in on our business."

I turn around only to find that no one has moved. The only difference is that now they are standing, watching us with a mixture of shock and annoyance on their faces.

"I mean it!" I yell at all of them. "Get lost! Unless, of course you get off on this type of thing!"

"Madison, stop it! These are the people that I work with."

"Screw that, screw them!" I refuse to back down from this one. I am already afraid of what John is going to say or do next I don't need to worry about all these other people listening to our problems and judging me by what they think they know.

I know that I am supposed to be the trophy wife when on the road with John. Always polite, respectful and likeable almost to a fault. Normally I am, and I can't remember a time when I've let John down when it really mattered. The stares are starting to irritate me further than I already am and I can't add any more stress to what I'm feeling. Especially not with people that I honestly barely know.

"This is our business but if you want to yell and fight right here and spread this around everywhere than ok let's do this. It's between me and all of the rest of you huh? Ok then here it goes. You are an arrogant, naïve idiot Jonathan Cena. I have loved you blindly no matter what for years. You think I don't know about your late night escapades? Flirting, clubbing, and drinking with other women? You think I don't know that you would sleep with any woman in a skirt even after we started dating? That I don't know that it only stopped when you asked me to marry you?"

I see John's eyes widen in shock. He's kept it all from me over the years and I've dealt with it in my own way and in my own time. I would always know with one look in John's eyes and Randy's saddened expression. John would screw up and both of my men would come back to me guilty.

"This isn't about me or what happened back then Madison," John finally speaks after getting over the initial shock of my words. "All of this is different."

"You know what John, for the first time tonight you are one hundred percent right. This isn't the same thing. Do you want to know why John? It isn't the same because here I am trying to talk to you about it. Here I am ready to own up to the mistakes that I have made. I am here standing in front of you trying to get you to understand just how much I love you. It isn't the same because I have forgiven every single last one of your many indiscretions. I have cried in secret over every side woman you had. I stayed with you John, and I loved you with everything that I had in me. It's different because I stood by your side no matter what happened. So here's the truth John, you are a man who makes far too many mistakes and breaks my heart far too often but I love you. I love you more than I have ever thought possible and so I listen to you and stay with you. So tell me John what are you going to do?"

I look around and watch every person as they stare back at me in wonderment. No one knows what to do or what to say. I listen to the silence and the soft shuffling of a few pair of feet on the hallway carpet. Everyone was fine standing around and listening to anger and yelling. None of them really want to stay around for tears and heart wrenching confessions; they simply don't know how to leave with grace and dignity.

"I'm going to go back to the room and pack my stuff to head on home. You make the choice on whether or not you want to come home John."

I am holding my head up high and keeping myself from falling to pieces as I turn and walk away from the love of my life. I can't place where all of this strength and courage is coming from because what I really want to do is find my way back into John's arms. I'm so afraid that he won't be back home and that one simple mistake will cost me everything that I hold dear.

And it's that fear that devours me and sends tears silently falling down my face as I pack up my last few belongings in my suitcase and try to leave the hotel as quickly as possible.

"Maddie," the soft voice and strong hand on my shoulder send me over the tiny edge that I've been teetering on. I turn and break down in John's arms. He's angry I can tell that by the quiet way that he's holding me. There aren't any comforting words, just the chance to let out some of the emotion that I have been holding in.

"Don't leave yet," John sits me on the bed and sits next to me holding my hand. "We need to get some things straight. Can we sit and talk for a bit?"

I sit and nod my head. I take one long deep breath to calm myself down and get my crying under control.

"I love you Madison, I always have. Those other women, it was so long ago, and we weren't serious. At least not at first we weren't. And then after that; God I don't know why I did what I did. I was scared and stupid. But when I would watch you sleep, see that way that only you look at me. I never told you about any of that because I didn't want to lose you. I just needed time to realize what you were to me."

I nod my head and sniffle. "I know that John, and that's why I never said anything to you. If you wanted to screw things up then you seriously would have but you always came home to me. And when you stopped fooling around I was never happier. But you and I are different John. You use the excuse that we weren't serious but to me we were always serious. The minute that your lips touched mine I was with no one else. The moment that you decided to make love to me I was only yours. You thought it was ok to share yourself; I've always only belonged to you. And you've taken it for granted."

"I haven't taken it for granted. I am not always the best at relationships and I'm difficult and stubborn I know. But there is no doubting that I have loved you my hardest, the best that I could. I want to have kids with you Maddie."

"Why?"

John's head snaps up and he stares at me. He's lost for words I know. I have never questioned anything that he's ever done or wanted. I have always understood what he wanted, why he wanted, and why he did what he did. But now I don't know his motives or his reasons. His need for kids has arisen out of nowhere and I need to know why before I commit to something that big.

"Why do you all of a sudden want kids John?" I ask him once more when he fails to answer me. "You want to fix our problems by having a baby don't you?"

I watch as John drops his head once more and I know that I've found his true reasoning. I sigh deeply and take John's hand.

"John I want to have a baby with you because we have so much love for each other that we want it to spill over onto a beautiful child of ours. A baby is not going to be any solution to the problems that we have."

"I just wanted something to remind you of how much you love me and how desperately I love you."

I break out in tears once more as I hear John's broken down tone. I know that everything I have said and done tonight has hurt him and I hate myself for it.

"I always remember our love," I whisper after a lengthy silence. I don't know what else to say to him. Everything about this situation is screwed up and wrong and I can't comprehend how to fully deal with it.

"Do you love him?" John finally asks the one question that I know he's been thinking about all night long.

I shake my head and squeeze his hand. "No baby, I could never really love anyone other than you. You're it for me."

"Tell me the truth Madison. I think I deserve the truth."

I nod my head and turn his head to meet my eyes. "You absolutely deserve the truth. And please believe me when I tell you that I am only in love with you and wouldn't do anything to risk our marriage."

"But you're attracted to him."

I nod my head again and I hear John take in a sharp breath.

"How long?"

"I don't really know John, it just sort of came about."

"And all of that back there in the room?"

I sigh and wait a moment before telling him everything. "I was telling him that nothing could happen between the two of us. He wanted it to happen and I told him no. He moved in on me and kissed me. You walked in before I could stop it."

"Has it happened before?"

I nod and John gives an audible groan. I know it's not the answer that he wants to hear but I can't keep lying to him.

"Just once really, and I'm sorry. He's just so confusing. Randall and I know so much about each other. He's there for me when you aren't around and I love that. And one minute he's understanding and knows that I can't have anything with him and the next he's yelling at me telling me that I need to leave you because our marriage won't last. I don't want a relationship with him I just—"

"You just want him."

I stay silent for lack of words. He's right. I don't want Randy in a relationship but I do want Randy. I don't want to fight with him about everything but I do want to have him in bed. I want to feel what it's like to lay in his arms all night long.

"How can you want someone else?"

I sigh and shrug. "I don't know John."

"I think you should go back home."

I nod and stand up to grab my things. "If this is the end of it then I'm just happy that I can tell you how much I really do love you and that I would never purposely hurt you. You're my life John Cena."

"I'm not saying it's the end Maddie I just need time."

"I hope it isn't Cena because I meant everything I've said tonight. I've loved you regardless of everything else and anything that anyone else may say. I hope you don't prove them right. I hope that you come back home at the end of the week. I'll be waiting."

I place one last long, gentle kiss on John's lips and walk out of the room. I'll have to wait in the airport for hours alone but I'm finally doing something right. I'll leave my two men alone to get their heads straight and hopefully in the process I can clear my own head.

I stare at the door for a second after it closes hoping beyond hope that John will open it up and wrap me up in his arms. I know that it won't happen of course but I stand and stare for a few moments longer.

"I love you John Cena, and I promise I'll be waiting for you," I whisper before heading to the elevator to make what could possibly be my final exit.

What I wouldn't do to see a car crash or couple fighting right about now.

* * *

**I know that this one has been a bit delayed but there's a lot of family drama going on in my life right now and my head hasn't quite been on straight. Then suddenly it all came to me and this is what came out. I hope that you liked it :)**

**And even though this isn't garnering many reviews or anything I love writing it so let me know what you wonderful people think and I hope that you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing it.**

**Also for Enigmatic Lotus Leaf and any other person that is wanting to know what's spinning in my crazy old head shoot me a message I'll give you a sneak preview ;-) it'll always be good... or at least interesting **

**Ok so now I'm done and gone and as always enjoy :)**


	6. Chapter 6

It's an old saying, and one that I've never agreed with as much as I do now. Only fools fall in love. It's an old song, a famous saying, and something that people say when they have their hearts broken. And now it's something that I believe in whole heartedly.

I haven't been able to look at another woman since the last time I saw Madison. I try to keep things up with Eva and get to know her a bit better but my heart isn't in it. And I think that she can tell that just as much as I know it. I know that right now it's exactly what I need to keep me focused on work though.

I find myself just breaking out in tears or angry outbursts at any moment over anything. I need to shut myself off just so that I can roll out of bed in the morning. "Only fools fall in love". As much as I repeat it over and over in my head I can't get Maddie out of my head. I can't stop aching for her, one more smile, one more touch. Most of all I can't stop hoping that she'll show up at my doorstep one day telling me just how much she truly loves. Yeah, I am one giant fool. I know that none of it will happen, but that's why they say "only fools fall in love".

I haven't spoken to John in two weeks. I can't even manage to look his way. I know that the very sight of me either makes him nauseous and angry. I can't blame him though. If I were John I'd be ripping stuff off walls and beating anyone who looked at me wrong for months. I'm not a man to get over things easily. John seems to be a bit more level headed about this whole thing, which surprises and scares me all at the same time. He's trying to keep himself in check for his job, his wife, his sanity. But I can see the cracks in him. He wants to burst open and unleash on me and my only hope is that it happens sooner rather than later and it goes by fast.

I walk through the back part of the arena tying to find John. I know he'll go nuts the minute I call his name. Like I said though, sooner rather than later.

"John," I call down the hallway as I see John walk towards the locker room. Once he's in there he can ignore me and distract himself too easily. Two weeks of silence and avoidance, I need this to end.

"Come on John I know that you can hear me. Cena, don't be like that, don't do this."

I feel a smirk play on my lips as I see John stop dead in his tracks. Sometimes the man is so predictable. He'll stop and turn around just to yell and scream at me. Punch me even. He'll stop long enough just to tell me that he is not the one to blame for any of this, and that he did nothing wrong. And maybe he's right, but part of me wants to tell him that it's his fault. Part of me wants to tell him that it was because of his assumptions and carefree attitude towards Madison that all of this started happening. I want to tell him that he's to blame as much as I am. Even if it isn't completely true.

"Thank you for finally stopping," I say to him as I make my way down the hallway to him. "We need to talk this out man."

John shakes his head and makes a noise something short of a snarl and turns to look me in the eye. "I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to look at you. You make me sick."

I nod and agree with him. "I know man, I know but we've been through a lot. I don't just want to give that up."

"You gave it up the moment that you decided to move in on my wife. To try and break up our marriage."

I sigh and shake my head. "I wasn't trying to break up your marriage. I told her that I would leave her alone so that she could keep the marriage intact."

"Right," there's no missing the sarcasm and skepticism that is in his voice right now. "Because you were really trying to do the right thing by all of us when you had your tongue down her throat." John moves closer to me and I can see that his fists are balled up tightly almost to the point of cutting off all circulation.

He's about to lose it, and maybe I'm totally crazy, but I want him to. I want him to let loose on me. I need to feel like I have gotten some punishment for the stupid things I've done lately.

"I'm sorry about that, I don't know what you want me to say to you that will make it right. I'm sorry I really am. It's something that I've been feeling for a long time and I have never acted on it. Not until recently. I love you like a brother."

"Some brother you turned out to be. I have four brothers back home and not one of them has pulled the type of crap that you've done or given me such a lame apology as this one."

I groan and find my hands working their way through my short hair. Now I'm getting frustrated. I want this man to let out what is really bothering him and he won't. I can see the cracks in his calm façade showing but he won't give in to it.

"That's because there is nothing I can say that will make up for this. Maybe if I just talk to you and Madison together, maybe we can work it all out. Maybe tonight?"

"What are you an idiot? Madison left, she's at the house. She left the road that night."

I stare at John in shock. Madison went home? I didn't know that. I haven't asked anyone about John or Madison. I've avoided the subject completely. And I know by the weird looks that the guys send me when John and I are in the same area that they are trying to avoid talking about it too.

"She left?"

John nods and all his anger seems to suddenly leave him. The fire burning in his eyes is put out as he starts to tear. "She's gone, and I don't know if I can get her back. She wants you man, she wants _you. _How can she want another man when she's supposed to be in love with me? I've never looked at another woman after we got married. I can't imagine another woman to be with. And she looks at me and tells me that she's "attracted" to you. What is that supposed to mean? I'm supposed to be the only one in her life, in her heart. She thinks that I want to start a family for all the wrong reasons and she won't agree to it. How can she want you? I don't know how to get any of it back."

I don't know how I've never felt guilty about what I've done before this. I don't think that I really truly saw past my own wants. This is what Madison was always talking about when she said that she had a husband whom she was madly in love with. This is what Madison wanted to avoid. John is heartbroken and I was the one that caused it. She came to tell me that she needed me to let her alone. She didn't need the confusion in her life and all I saw was my wants. Even now when I have John alone crying and admitting pain he hasn't given into before I am thinking about jumping on a plane and seeing her once again.

"John I'm sorry that it's all happened but did you ever think it was for the best?" I see the anger return to the surface as John snaps his head up and fully snarls this time. "I don't mean me moving in on her," I continue on quickly. If I can keep him calm then maybe I can at least get him to look at me again. "I just mean her getting it out in the open. Maddie holds a lot in so that she won't upset you. I mean when did you really find out that she was upset about that last party? Or that she knew all about you cheating on her? She leaves it alone so that she can love you. Maybe it's better that you know everything. Maybe you can start over again."

I say the words that I know are right to say even though my heart means none of it. I want to keep my friend, I know that I've lost Madison. But maybe, just maybe I can keep John from hating me. There might be hope that I can help my once friend put the smile back on his face.

"I haven't been home in two weeks. Haven't even thought about going back. And because of you! All I want is to hold her and anytime I think of her I see the two of you kissing. How can I get over that? How can I move past all of it? Call me selfish but I want to be the only one she wants. I just can't forget it all and move on."

"Sometimes you just have to. Ever think of what it was like for her? To know that you're on the road screwing around? You took everything she gave you for granted. Are you honestly surprised that she found comfort somewhere else?"

"What is that supposed to mean Orton?"

"It means that you're a moron Cena!" The words are flying out of my mouth before I know what is happening. "You left the woman alone all the time! She needed you and you would put her off just to have one more late night fling. And I know that that was a long time ago but it happened. And when it did she came to me. I was the one that held her and let her cry it out. I was there for you when you weren't! Can you blame her for wanting me? For wanting someone who just might be there for her when she really needs it, because there isn't a chance in hell that you'll be there? She's been alone for two weeks. I bet you haven't called her or anything. The woman loves you for whatever the reasons and you throw it all away like an idiot."

I feel a painful crack in my jaw and know John's finally lost his temper. One hard shot in my gut and I'm doubled over trying to figure out what's going on. John's hitting me faster than my body can process and I'm not trying to fight back. I deserve this I know.

"Well Orton if you think that you'll do so much better with her and handling this business and a relationship at the same time then be my guest. It's you she wants anyway."

I look up to see that John has walked away after screaming in my face. My lip is bleeding and I'll be hurting nearly everywhere soon enough. And I know that the words that he has just screamed at me he doesn't mean. He loves Madison; he just wants me to know that he's done the best he could. Maybe that's the problem; maybe our best isn't always good enough.

I slowly stand to my feet and take a deep breath. I'm John's opponent tonight. How is that going to go down? Will he keep it light and easy like he's supposed to? Or is he going to let his anger win out and try and beat me again?

I don't get my answer until he lands a hard shot to my face and works my arm a little too well. Everyone knows that I don't have the best track record with my shoulders. But he's hurting them throughout the entire match. Not enough to do real damage, but enough to know that his anger and hatred is still strong towards me.

And by the end of the match I'm thanking God that I took the week off to rest up my body. And I hope he's listening to all of my prayers because I'm about to do the stupidest thing that I've ever done in my life.

I hop on a plane and think about Madison. She's probably been depressed these whole two weeks. How could I leave her alone like that? How could John leave her alone like that? I know that he wants to make it home, and that he's waging a tough inner battle. Maybe if I let Madison know that he does want to come home she'll feel a little better.

But at the same time I don't know if I should tell her. I only want to tell her how sorry I am and that it's very possible John may not forgive either of us. I want to tell her that it's time to start moving on with her life. I want to tell her that it's time to move on towards me. God, how selfish can one person honestly be?

I sigh and lean back in the plane seat thinking through every idea, every possible thing that I could say to her once I see her again.

Telling her both sides, how much John loves her and is dying inside not being with her, and how desperately in love with her I am, seems to be the best plan I can think of. If I can tell her that her husband is still madly in love with her, just angry I might be able to relieve some of her stress. And telling her that I won't be getting over her anytime soon just might be good therapy for me.

I don't know why, but I throw back my shoulders and automatically put on my battle stance as I enter the Cena household. I have my own key that I don't usually use unless they're out of town. I feel like I violate their privacy when I just walk in on them when they are home. But today is different. Today I let myself in simply because I don't want Madison to throw me out before I even make it inside.

I call out the minute I enter the house. I don't want to catch her unawares. I just want to say my piece and be done with it.

"Maddie," I call out once more as I enter the study. Anyone that knows her knows that they can find her buried amongst her books or newest pages to be edited at any given time. "You in here?"

The silence is starting to worry me. Madison isn't one to have complete quiet. She likes to have music in the background when she's working or reading. I keep worrying until I see her asleep on the couch. And the sight of her makes my breath hitch in throat. She's curled up on the couch with a soft blanket thrown over her and her latest book lying across her chest. Her reading glasses are still on and her eyes are red and swollen. I sigh and stroke her curly hair off her face. She's been crying, a lot, by the looks of it.

"Madison," I whisper in her ear as I bend down and squat next to her. "Maddie come on, wake up."

"John?" She asks in a sleepy voice.

I smile and inwardly groan. I love hearing her voice first thing in the morning. Her accent is always a little thicker when she's sleepy. Sometimes if I'm lucky she'll starting speaking French without fully realizing it. That soft accent is so appealing, so sexy, so much of what I dream of when I dream of her.

"No it's Randy."

Her eyes shoot open and she looks at me confused. "Randy?"

I smile and nod. "Randy. Hey there beautiful."

"What are you doing here?"

I shrug. I am not totally sure why I'm here. I just know that I felt like I had to come. I need to talk to her, especially after talking to John.

"I came to talk to you. But it can wait until the morning."

She sighs and stretches a bit. I catch sight of her toned legs and groan once more. Of course she would be running around in nothing but a t-shirt. She's on her own and she doesn't like wearing too much clothing when she's alone.

"What time is it?" she finally asks as she tries to sit up.

"Somewhere around four in the morning. I took a late flight to get here."

Her look of confusion only deepens and I shake my head letting her know I'll explain later. "It's late Madison, you need to sleep, and frankly so do I."

I'm rubbing my hand up and down her leg, and it feels so right, so natural. Almost to the point where I don't fully realize that I'm doing it.

"Come on," I pick her up and try to hide my shock at how light she feels in my arms.

"I've lost a bit of weight," she tells me at seeing my face.

I nod and carry her up the stairs. A little bit of weight isn't what I would say, but it will all have to wait until tomorrow.

I lay her down in her bed and put her under the covers. Every part of my body wants to climb in next to her and pull her in my arms. But her heartbroken look tells me that it would all be a very bad idea.

"He isn't coming home is he?" She asks me through her half open eyes.

I shrug once more as I sit on the bed next to her. "I really don't know beautiful, I really don't know."

A few tears fall from her eyes once more before she finally falls back asleep. And I know that what I have to tell her is going to break my own heart. I have to tell her that she needs to go back to John. It will rip me apart but it's what I good person would do. They would give up what they had to, to make sure that the person they loved was happy.

Question now becomes am I that good of a person? Can I really look at Madison and tell her that her place is with John and trying to go and find him would be best? I don't know if I can tell her anything besides, I love her and she needs to stay with him.

Call me selfish and narcissistic, I don't truly care. I know that the world doesn't revolve around what I want but I can't help what I feel. And I don't know how many people in my place would do things differently than me. Truth be told I don't know what will happen in the morning when I go to talk to her.

But the tears that sit on her face while she sleeps is enough to let me know that I have to make her feel a little bit better, somehow, someway. She needs peace of mind. I know that it won't fully happen until John walks through the door, but I might be able to give her something.

And it's that thought that stays with me as I walk down the stairs after getting some sleep to find Madison at the table with a cup of coffee and a book.

"I thought it was all a dream," she says quietly without looking up from her book when I walk into the kitchen.

I shake my head and sit down next to her. "No, it was all real."

"So what are you doing here?"

"I just had to talk to you beautiful."

"I don't want to talk Randy."

"I understand that Maddie I really do. But there are a lot of things that need to get fixed and I think we should work on them."

She gives a hard laugh and throws her book down on the table. "Can you bring John back? Because that is the only thing that I want fixed. I want my husband back home."

"I talked to him," I tell her after what feels like a year of silence. It's the only thing that I can think of saying that might make things a little smoother between us.

"I'm guessing that's how you got the hurt lip?"

I nod. "I deserved it, no doubt. But that wasn't all that happened. He wants to come home Madison. He still loves you so much. He's just angry. When he gets over the anger he'll be back."

I see her shake her head and stand up. "He isn't angry Randall, he's heartbroken and confused just like I am."

"What are you confused about?" I ask. I feel my heart beat a bit faster. Could it be that even after everything she still thinks about me?

"You," she tells me finally. "I don't get you Randall. How can you want my marriage to fail?"

"I don't want your marriage to fail Madison. I want it to work, and I want you both to be happy."

I sigh at the disbelieving look on her face and walk over to her. I take her shoulders gently in my eyes and turn her to face me.

"Now you are going to listen to me once and for all Madison. I am just as confused about you as you are about me. I should feel guilty about making you this way but the only thing I can feel is happy that you are even entertaining the thought of me. I have loved you for so long and I don't know what to do about it. You have this amazing marriage with John whether you are fighting or joking around. I know that I can't really get in between that and I shouldn't. But when I look at you it's like it all goes away. I don't see John or your marriage. I only see you and me." I smile at her and wipe the tears off her cheeks. "I know you love Cena, and he is so in love with you that's why he isn't home yet. He's just trying to sort some stuff out."

"So why are you here?"

"To tell you that I love you too much to have things between us stay like this. And to tell you that you should try to get through to John. He is more upset with me than with you."

"You wouldn't fly here when it's nowhere near any shows to just tell me that. Why are you really here Randy?"

"To ask you what you want me to do. I swear Maddie, I'm trying to stop thinking just about me on this. I see how hurt John is and how hurt you are I hate myself for doing that to you guys I honestly and truly do. Just tell me what to do and I will do it for you. I am trying to do what's right and make you feel a little better."

She's stand in front of my silent for a long while as she thinks about the best thing to say. I know what she is going to tell me and she's right for saying it. But knowing what she is going to say doesn't prepare me to hear it, or for how much the words physically hurt and cut into me.

"I need you to leave Randall."

I nod and drop my hands from her shoulders. "Ok," I manage to say barely above a whisper.

I lay a soft kiss on her lips and taste her tears before I turn and head upstairs to get my things. Nothing will change now that I've come between the marriage of my two best friends.

My heart doesn't seem to stop hurting and I'm fighting back tears as I grab my bag and head for the door. She's made her choice and it's John, it'll always be John. She fell in love with him first. I've made myself slightly delusional for thinking that she was in love with me. She may have been slightly attracted to me, but it's John she was crying over all these nights.

"Thank you Randy," the words cause me to jump and turn around. I see Madison leaning against the wall looking better than I've seen her all day.

"For what?" I ask her. I should be getting screamed at and being ripped a new one I'm sure, instead she's thanking me.

"For coming to tell me that John wants to be home, for coming to check up on me, and for leaving when I know that you want to tell me how much you want us to be together."

"I never said that I want us to be—"

She holds up her hand and gives me a look, the one that says to shut up. And I gladly oblige. Talking only ever seems to get me in trouble.

"You don't need to say things to have people understand them. I know what you want and I'm sorry that I can't give it to you. I can't help but constantly regret telling you that I have feelings for you. Life would be simpler if we both stayed ignorant to each other's feelings. I think that you're doing a great thing by leaving when you want to stay and I am thanking you for that."

I nod my head and give a small smile. "You're welcome. I meant what I said Madison. I just want to do something to make you feel better."

"Well you did."

I stay rooted to the same spot as she moves towards me to give me a hug. We may not be in a good spot relationship wise but it will always feel natural to have her in my arms. And as she gives me a soft kiss I can't help but feel alive. It's the first time that I've felt alive in the last two weeks.

"I can't do it again Madison," I tell her as I pull back and stop myself from doing anything I'd regret. "I can't go through it all again."

"I wasn't trying to—I just wanted to thank you and I—I—I'm sorry," she finally finishes stammering.

"I know that you weren't," I reassure her trying to put her slightly at ease. "It's not you beautiful it's me. Just a little feel of you and I want so much more and I'm trying to put it all behind me."

She nods as a fresh batch of tears fall down her face. All of this has been so hard on her. How can John leave her like this?

I wipe her tears and gently kiss her cheeks and the tip of her nose. I know that I shouldn't be doing this but I need to give her some comfort. She's thinking that John hates her and I don't want anything to do with her.

"Don't cry beautiful," I whisper as I continue to kiss her cheeks. "You don't need to cry, it's all going to be ok," I tell her before I finally close in on her lips.

I know that she told me to leave, and it's for the best, but my heart is pouring itself into the kiss I'm giving her and I can't stop it. To put it all behind me, I need to show her just how in love with her I am.

I keep her steady as I feel her start to weaken and I know that she's feeling everything I am. This time I know what I'm doing as I back her up against the hallway and press on not letting her lips go. Anyone can call it wrong and tell me to walk away. And I'm saying the same thing to myself, walk away before it's too late. But today I'm not walking away, not until Madison tells me that she wants me to go once more.

Yes call me a fool, I know that I am one. Because _here we go again_ is the only thought in my head that is sticking and I love it. Maybe this time I'll come out victorious and I'll be the one that Madison thinks about over John. Foolish thought? Maybe it is. But then again only fools fall in love.


	7. Chapter 7

**I've been struggling with this chapter for a while. I had it worked out in my head, on paper, on my laptop and yet something didn't seem right with it. So after going over and editing it over and over and over some more I've left it at this... go on read and I hope you like it :)**

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They say that the eyes are the window to the soul. That if you know a person well enough you can see everything that they feel, everything that they are with one glance into their eyes. I believe that it can be true. That you can read a person by their eyes. Understand a lot of who they are if you can catch one good glimpse into the very core of them.

Bit for those that don't know a person all too well, music happens to be a better indicator. A true tell all about the person's mood, and character all in one shot. Mainly because if you are enough of a music lover, and patient enough to wait for it; you can find a song for any occasion in your life. Lyrics that you can cry too, laugh with—simply relate to no matter the emotion.

And as I sit in the middle of my bedroom floor with my stereo blasting to drown out the sound of my sobs I know that anyone in a five mile radius will be able to tell exactly how hurt and upset I truly am. I have all forms of love songs and heartbroken melodies floating from out of the speakers. And as I listen to Randy walk around before he finally decides to leave I cry harder. I don't want him to leave. It's comforting to have him here, to feel a male presence.

Hearing him walk around still gives me hope that we might be able to hold on to what we used to have. I can still feel like I have a chance at salvaging my friendship with Randy instead of giving into the truth. I asked Randy once more to leave. I broke away from his kiss and screamed in his face. In the heat of the moment I told him exactly what a horrible friend and selfish man he was. I blamed everything that I was experiencing on him. I faulted him for my mistakes with John. I told him that he was the sole reason that John wasn't home even though it wasn't true. I let out all my hurt and frustration on him. Even when I didn't mean a single word that happened to come spewing out of my mouth. I saw his heart breaking through his eyes. I watched as he swallowed back tears and backed away from me as if the very touch of me scalded him. I saw Randy Orton back down and retreat into himself where no one will know what he is thinking or feeling and I did that to him. I hurt him, we've hurt each other. More than we can express to each other, more than we can ever truly admit to anyone.

I turn down the volume on my music and frantically reach for my phone. John may not be planning on coming home any time soon but I need to hear his voice. I have to talk to him. My heart is in so much pain that I feel it wrenching inside of my chest. It's twisting and pounding and I feel as if it is going to stop beating at any moment. And the pain is near unbearable.

But my string of luck seems to be turned for the worst as I get no answer from John. I can't do this alone. I have to have at least one of my men in my life. Randy is walking out the door and I don't know what will happen afterwards. I have to find out where I stand with John.

"John, baby, it's me. I don't know what you're doing right now but I need to talk to you. I miss you. I want you home," I manage to stutter and mumble into the phone.

I hope that it came out okay because right now all I can hear in my head are all the doubts that I have about Randy leaving, about John coming back home. My thoughts are so loud that I can't focus on anything else besides them.

I know that my voice is hoarse from crying and every other word out of my mouth is followed by a loud sob, or sharp intake of breath. But I cannot focus on any of that. I can only hear my own thoughts of how I'm a cheater, of how I'm not good enough for John. Worst of all, how I won't be seeing John walking through these front doors on a friendly basis anymore.

"Maddie," Randy's head peeks inside the door and I furiously wipe at my eyes trying to clear the tears away.

"I just want to be left alone Randy," I tell him turning away from him. I wish that all of this crying didn't leave me drained and wasted. I want to get up a shove him out of the room, or run out of the house, down the block, through the neighborhood—just run until my legs give out on me and I fall onto the ground with nothing left to exert.

Instead I'm sitting on the floor trying to not hyperventilate and pass out. I can't remember the last time I had a decent meal and I don't think my legs will carry me farther than the bed.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" I hear Randy ask me.

I look around trying to find something to throw at him. How can he be so stupid? I don't want to be doing this to myself. I try not to. I have tried for days to eat, to stop crying, to get myself strong enough to walk out of this house. It was all getting a bit better until Randy showed up.

"Get out," I say quietly. I know that I want to yell and scream, but I don't have the energy. I just want Randy to leave, without fuss, without a scene, just walk out.

"That is what you don't understand Madison. I can't leave until I know that you're ok. You are dangerously thin and ever since you told me to leave downstairs in the hallway you've been up here crying."

I turn to look at him and he gives me a sad understanding smile before he walks into the room and sits next to me.

"No matter how loud that music is it won't drown out the sound of you crying beautiful."

I sniffle back a few more tears and shake my head. I can't deal with this, not right now. The Randy Orton that is sitting next to me is not the one that I am going to get every day. He is not the one that will show up when I'm upset and falling to pieces. This is the Randy that I know comes out when he feels guilty. He'll hold me, comfort me, and tell me everything I want to hear. Of course until our next run in when he blames everything on my marriage to John and tells me that I need to leave my husband for him.

"I don't want you here Randy," I tell him firmly. I need to end this confusion. My heart, my body, my sanity cannot take another minute of all of this.

I turn and look into Randy's face and know that I'm in for plenty more days of all of this. I groan and look away.

"I was doing a little bit better before you showed up Randall. I actually made it to work and brought home a new book to start editing. I managed to keep down a little bit of food without immediately running to the bathroom to throw it back up. I was starting to move in the right direction. Why do you always have to come in here and screw things up? Why did you have to show up here and then think that kissing me and professing your love for me would help anything?"

Randy sighs and rubs his hand on my back. I want to tell him to stop; I wish that I could tell him to stop. But it feels good, right, familiar. And the only thing that I want right now is my life back. The life where I had both John and Randy and I never had to worry about how either felt about me. All of our places were set, and I loved Randy and treated him like my family.

"I really only came here to tell you that I was wrong about everything. The minute that I talked to John something changed in me. I wanted to share that with you. I know that kissing you was wrong and it shouldn't have happened. And I'll leave I swear. I just need to make sure that you're going to be ok on your own."

I fight back my tears and nod my head. "I think I'll be ok."

I listen to my voice and sigh. I don't sound like myself. I probably don't look anything like myself. I can't remember the last time I ate, or the last time that I didn't have to cry myself to sleep to just get a bit of rest.

"I'm sorry about downstairs Maddie. I'm sorry about all of this."

I nod my head and give him a small grin. "I'm sorry too. Sometimes things are better left alone and unsaid."

I see Randy look down at the floor. His face seems to be studying the carpet. I watch him for a minute, sitting in silence, enjoying the feeling of his hand on my back.

"I'm not sorry that you told me Madison," he finally says not looking up at me. "I'm sorry how I handled it, but I'm not sorry that I know."

"But everything that happened because of it—"

"Maddie, I know that I screwed things up big time, and that's part of why I came here, to try and make things right. But I will never be sorry that you told me that you cared for me. I'll carry that with me for life."

I kiss his cheek and lean against his shoulder. We both fall silent as he holds me. I want this moment to freeze forever. I want to hold onto it for eternity because inside of me, I know, this is the last of the moments like this with Randy.

He won't be welcomed back here like he was before. I won't be able to look him in the eye and tell him every detail of my life. We'll be separated by the events of the last few weeks. We'll both be more distant with each other. And I think Randy has the right idea.

What Randy and I shared as friends, and the knowledge of his feelings for me; they will be with me forever. I love Randy Orton in my own way. I won't be able to give him what he needs, but I'll love him, from afar, wishing him the best, hoping that he gets it all.

"I love you Randy," I whisper. I don't trust my voice, or my body. He's so close and I can still feel the familiar desire rising up inside of me.

It isn't as strong as it used to be. It is barely there. I can only see and think about John. But denying that Randy Orton is a sexy man when he's sitting right next to you is incredibly hard to do, near impossible probably.

"Just not enough." His voice is so low that I can barely hear it, or make out his mood by his voice but I hear something that I'm not used to.

I don't want to move my head, I don't want to break this moment, but I hear Randy's voice and it sounds like he's saddened, like he has tears falling from his eyes. There is an innate sadness lying in his undertone and it shocks me. Randy Orton is not the type of man to be so deeply affected, especially not by women. He keeps himself locked off to a certain point. He makes sure that he can make an easy escape from a relationship when he feels it's time to end it.

"Why isn't it enough?" He asks me.

I shift myself so that I can look into his face without breaking the contact that we have. And tears fall from my eyes as I see Randy shedding tears of his own.

"What?" I know that it isn't a very logical response but all other words seem to fail me. I can't seem to think clearly as I see tears cloud those crystal blue eyes.

"I would have given up John for you. I would have risked everything just to have you. I want you to be mine so badly that I get lost in the want. I think of all the ways that I could make you mine, the things that I would do for you if you were mine. When John walked in on us kissing I should have been guilty but I wasn't. I was disappointed that it stopped before it could get started. I was hurt that you chose John over me, but I wasn't feeling guilty. I didn't care that I just hurt my best friend or that we'd probably never speak again. I simply wanted you and that was all that I saw, my love for you. So why isn't your love enough Madison?"

My mouth goes dry as I take in all of what Randy has said to me. This is truly why he came here. He wants answers, he's hurting and he needs answers, closure. I shake my head and try to think of the right words. I was looking for closure weeks ago and all I got was grief.

"It's different Randy. I have John in my life and he is my life, my whole life. I lay eyes on him and everything else fades away. It's like he holds this power over me. It doesn't matter what happens between us because at the end of the day when I can hear his voice tell me how much he loves me it all seems to be alright. John took my heart and I am never going to get it back. I don't care if he doesn't walk through those doors again, I won't love someone like I love him. John is it for me. It won't matter if I'm attracted to thousands of other men I'll never touch one of them. I was hurting over a rough time with John and I didn't give John the chance that I should have to make it right between us. I found something in you, something I thought John couldn't give me."

Randy nods his head and wipes the tears from his eyes. "You saw it in him the night you left. You got him to lay it on the line for you and you found what you were looking for."

"I'm sorry Randy. I'm sorry for saying what I did to you downstairs none of it is true. And I do love you. I just know that John is my world and I just can't change it because you finally gave into some feelings that you have for me."

"How am I supposed to let you go?"

I shake my head and shrug at his question. "I don't know, I don't even know how I'm supposed to let John go," I manage to say through my tears.

Randy nods and stands up. "I'll try and talk to John once more," he tells me as he smoothes out his pants and walks to my bedroom door. "I know that you want me to leave and all of this is too complicated but I'm worried about you being alone Maddie."

I sniffle and look down at the floor. I hate being this weak, and I hate people treating me like I'm about to break at any second. The worst part of it all is that Randy is right to be worried. When I'm on my own I forget to eat, not that I can keep anything down. And I only think about John which sends me crying.

I nod to acknowledge that I did indeed hear him. "I just miss him so much. I want him home so badly," I say breaking into a fresh round of tears as Randy runs back to my side and holds me once more.

"Believe it or not I kinda miss the moron myself," he tells me quietly. "I guess we both screwed up royally huh?" I chuckle and nod against his chest. "Don't worry Maddie he's going to be back."

"Thank you Randall," I tell him. I don't know what else to say to him. I don't know if there is anything else to say.

Even as he says goodbye and walks out my front door I can't find anything more than a gracious smile, a long hug and a few tears to tell him goodbye. I want to say so much more but my tongue won't seem to work. He's helped me out more than he knows and yet I can't seem to tell him that.

The house is lonely the minute that Randy leaves and it stays that way for the next week. I don't know what else to do but work non-stop. I haven't heard from John and conversations with Randy are hard and tense at best. I miss everything about both of them.

The silence is too overpowering for me and I sigh as I turn on the stereo in the study and lay back on the couch. This seems to be my new bedroom. I don't want to be in the master bedroom alone. Not that I haven't done that plenty of times before. Now it is different though. I am reminded that John isn't coming home. I can cuddle up to his pillow, pull out one of his shirts, it all just means that John isn't here and I don't know when he'll be back.

The sound of the front door opening snaps me out of my daze and my eyes flying open. I want to call out John's name but I don't want to greet Randy the same way twice. He keeps talking about coming back to check on me if only for a moment. I guess he thinks that I'm still too depressed to take care of myself the right way, and the truth is I am.

I sit up slowly and listen for the footsteps that are approaching the study slowly. And it almost seems like a dream as I see John's blue eyes meet mine as he swings open the door.

"John, is that really you?"

I see him nod and give an uncertain smile. He isn't sure if he's still wanted here. And I can't figure out why. I don't care if he wanted to take three weeks or three months. The only thing that I care about is that John is truly here walking towards me.

"Hi Madison."

I stand up and run into his arms clinging on to any part of him that I can reach. I don't want to let him go and I'm reluctant to move back as he pulls out of my arms.

His eyes cloud over as he stares at me. "I didn't want to believe Randy. I was so angry at him I thought he was just making stuff up. He was really here?"

I nod and John's expression doesn't change. He keeps on staring at me, or through me. I can't tell which one.

"Maddie what happened to you baby? Randy was telling the truth, I didn't want to believe him, I'm so sorry that I wasn't home sooner."

I shake my head and smile. I find myself at a loss for words. Not only because John has finally decided to come back home, but I am embarrassed by the way I look. I know that even though he is happy to be holding me again he's wondering why you can feel every one of my ribs when you hug me. And he's worried that my eyes are practically swollen shut from crying so much. I am a mess, plain and simple and John has never seen me like this. I am stronger than this, stronger than what I look like I am. At least that's what I want him to believe. I don't want him to see me as weak and frail. Even when it's confirmed as my knees start to buckle from my standing up too long.

"It doesn't matter, you're home now." It's the only words that I can seem to find in me as I hold onto John just to make sure that he's really standing in front of me.

"No Madison it does matter. You needed me and I wasn't there. I wasn't there because I wanted to believe that you were off caring on an affair with Randy. Meanwhile you're here falling apart." He bends and kisses my forehead and pulls me to his chest. "God Maddie what did you go and do to yourself? Why did I leave you alone? I should have called or done something to make sure that you were going to be ok. I just thought that—" John trails off and doesn't finish his sentence. I nod against his chest in understanding. I know what he wants to say, what he thinks. "I should have been home."

I cry against his chest as I feel everything that I've been missing for weeks now. His scent, his hard chest, the way I always feel protected when his large arms are wrapped around me. The world seems to fade away when he holds me just a little tighter. We have no problems, nothing to work out as I cling to him as if I am trying to hold on for my life.

"John I don't care about any of that. I know that you were angry, and I understand that. It was my mistakes that got us to that point. As long as you're home John that's all I wanted. I just wanted you home Cena," I whisper against him as I try to control the flow of tears from my eyes.

"You need to see a doctor Madison. You don't look well at all."

I look into John's eyes and see just exactly how serious and determined he is. I nod. I don't have the energy or desire to fight with him about something so insignificant. And there's a slight fear nagging somewhere deep inside of me. Randy has helped me get myself somewhat together. I have tried to keep to my workout routine, and eat regularly. It seems though that nothing I do wants to agree with my body. I don't have the energy to do what I normally do, my body wants to give up and all food I eat decides to come up on its own. Maybe it was the stress of having John gone, I only know that I haven't been the same since I left the road and giving in to John's request will be much easier than fighting him.

"Ok John I'll go, just for you," I tell him with a small smile.

He hugs me once more and sits with me on the couch. "Were you working or trying to get a nap?"

I shrug. "I guess a little of both," I finally tell him. I don't know if he'll understand that I haven't stepped foot in our bedroom to sleep in weeks.

"You know that we have a perfectly good and expensive may I add, bed upstairs?" He asks with a joking tone.

I nod and start to tear again. I don't know why I can't stop crying. It seems that everything is hitting me at once. The whole weight of the last few months are starting to finally sink in on me and I can only find myself grateful that John decided to come home.

"I know that. I just couldn't—after we--- it reminded me—I know," I finally finish not knowing the right way to word my feelings.

John seems to understand my meaning and pulls me flush on top of him as he lies back on the couch. He kisses the top of my head and strokes my hair. This is why I am so deeply in love with this man. He knows what I feel from a few simple fragmented words. And in one swift movement he can make me feel like all the world's problems are solved.

"I was an idiot for not coming back sooner, but I'm back now. Don't cry anymore baby. You will forever and always be Mrs. Cena. Get some sleep, you need it."

I simply sigh in response and close my eyes. I can fall asleep, right here right now but I don't want to. I want to take in the man underneath me. I want to inhale his scent, feel his body. I want to revel in the fact that my husband is truly home, here with me, not telling me that he wants to leave me permanently. He's here to love me and take care of me.

However my body has other plans for me. I've barely had a good rest in days and it's making sure that it gets what it needs. And as I close my eyes sleepily I see Randy's face. I give a small smile and let sleep take me over.

I really need to thank Randy for getting John back home. Maybe I'll call him, and ask him to meet me so I can thank him in person. John is home but I'm craving one more visit with Randy. Only to thank him, simply to thank him. I am repeating it to myself as my mind is going foggy and drifting into a dreamy state.

Is there a country song that is titled "My Husband is Home and I'm so happy…. If only his best friend were here"?

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**Ok leave the reviews because as much as I love writing this story I'm still unsure as to how it's being received. So you know what to do people let the opinions be known ;-)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Alright so I know that this has taken quite a while to update and I apologize. It seems though that as soon as I got this chapter all sorted out everything went wrong. First my wonderful 2 yr old princess of a daughter spilt water all over my laptop and shorted it out so I was without my computer for a couple of weeks, then I got the stomach virus and spent the week trying to balance taking care of my five babies that were all sick at the same, as well as myself, and trying to find the time to run back and forth to the bathroom and rest so I could get better... Upside to that is I wound up losing a bit of the extra weight I've been trying to take off ;)... and then after all of that I lost Randy's voice... but I found him once again.. so I'm done rambling... please go enjoy :)**

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"If you love someone let them go. If they come back to you then you know they love you to." "If it's meant to be then it will all work out in the end." "Fate will bring you together when it's time."

I've heard too many tidbits on love, too many sayings on how letting your love go is the best thing for you to do. And to me it all sounds like pure crap. If you love someone then why would you let them go? Wouldn't you try your hardest to keep them around? And life is screwed up, it screws up often, nothing works out how it's supposed to. I was the youngest world's champion in wrestling history. I was supposed to have a long title reign, not job out to Rey Mysterio. I screwed up and I paid the price. So how can I trust that no matter what happens, or what I do that everything will work out in the end? Simple, I can't do it. I can't do any of it. I can't believe in fate, I can't believe in letting it all go so that it can take its own course.

I left Maddy two weeks ago. We both agreed that it is for the best that I'm not around anymore. John won't look at me let alone talk to me anymore. And I applaud him for it. At least I know that he understands exactly how much he has in Madison and how special she is.

Even still, I can't stop my fingers from calling her every couple of days, or sending her text messages to check in on her when my day is so packed that I don't have time to breathe. My fingers seem to have a mind of their own when they pick up my phone. I'm not quite sure why they do it either. The conversations are forced and awkward and leave me near tears by the time I hang up. I ask her how she is, she asks me how my day was. We make up some lame small talk until I break down and beg her to speak to me in French. I still can't place why her soft voice comforts me so greatly whenever she speaks French.

Maybe I'm not meant to truly understand it. Maybe I'm just supposed to enjoy it, and that's exactly what I do every time that she gives in and whispers something in French before we end our conversation.

But this isn't the same. I am staring at my phone ringing and can't seem to pick it up. Madison's name is flashing on the screen over and over again and I don't know what to do. My fingers aren't running their game this time. They aren't forcing me into a conversation with my sweet girl. They are leaving the decision up to me and I am dumbfounded.

I flip my phone open and press it to my ear hoping that my voice won't sound nearly as shaky as my insides are feeling.

"Hey beautiful," I say quietly. My voice can't go more than a whisper right now. I can feel it waivering, waiting to crack on me. "What makes you call me?"

"I miss you Randall," her soft sweet voice floats through the speaker of the phone and sends a pain through my heart. Why does it always have to be so hard? "We haven't spoken in a couple of days and—I"

The hesitation in her voice is obvious and it makes me nervous. Madison is a fearless type of woman and I can't possibly figure what is making her nervous and unable to speak to me.

"What is it beautiful? Did something happen between you and John?"

"Yes—no—well—"

I hear silence on her end and I let it continue on. I know her; she's sitting somewhere rubbing her forehead, staring at the floor trying to get her thoughts in order. She hates to waste words, every word has to mean something to her.

"Whatever it is, you can take your time telling me," I say to her finally after sitting in silence for a few moments.

"I want to see you Randall."

I shake my head and try to find words to say. Problem is, I'm not sure if I just heard that right. She kicked me out of her house. She told me how much she didn't love me. Now she wants to see me, to call me, to stay in touch with me. My mouth works up and down and I can't seem to get over being speechless.

"Randy are you still there?" She asks me. She's worried now, I haven't spoken and she doesn't know what to make of it. But then again neither do I.

I clear my throat and finally speak. "I'm here sorry. I'm just not sure if I heard all of that the right way. Did you say you want to see me? Like in person see me?"

"What other way is there?" She asks with a small chuckle and I laugh with her. I know my question was stupid, I just can't seem to find my footing.

"I'd love to see you beautiful. What about John? Is John going to be ok with this?"

I hear a sigh and I know what's coming next. She either isn't going to tell him or tell me that no matter what he says about it she's going to do what she wants to do. She's in a rebellious state of mind.

"I want to see you and that's all that matters. I want to talk to you about something very important and I refuse to do it on a phone. Let John send a P.I. after me for all I care. If you say yes then it's going to happen."

My mouth can't seem to decide on whether to frown or smile. The determination that she's showing simply to see me is flattering me beyond anything that I've felt before. But it's also the thing that frightens me. After all that she's said to me about her love for John I can't figure out why she's risking so much just to have a quick conversation with me. She's a highly strong willed individual, no one will be able to change that, only few know how to handle it, and John is not always the person that is best suited to handle her when in one of moods.

"Maddie, you know that I would love to see you, but John is going to go livid over this. I'm already in enough trouble with him, and we have to start up a feud. I don't need the man coming after me in the ring for real week after week."

I drop my head and wait for her response. I don't know what she's going to say but I hate what I've just said. I know that it sounds like I may be running scared but I'm trying to look out for John without letting Madison know that.

"Randall, I know what you are trying to do and I thank you for that, but stop it."

"Beautiful I'm not trying to do anything but-"

"Randy," the serious tone of her voice is not lost on me and I stop the incoherent rant I was about to go on. She has something to say and she needs me to hear it.

"Randy I am not fighting with John, I'm not trying to do anything that will upset John or cause more problems between the two of you. I don't mention your name because it sends John into overdrive. I know where my boundaries are and how shaky things are between me and him. He's been nothing but an angel to me this whole time. I want to see you because there is something that I want to tell you, I need to tell you. I just can't spring it on you over the phone."

She has this sad hopeful tone to her voice that is weakening me. I already feel the guilt building up inside of me for trying to tell her no.

"Please Randall; I need you to do this for me."

I know that I'm going to give in to her even before the words leave my mouth. If I were to be honest with myself I could say that I was going to give her whatever she asked of me the moment that I saw her name on my caller id. But that would require some sort of self examination I'm sure, and who really wants to probe that deep into who they are? Certainly not the likes of me and not at this moment when I'm having a hard enough time sounding calm and collected over the phone.

"When and where?" I ask her with a groan. I'm giving in to her even when in the pit of my gut I feel disaster brewing.

"RAW's in town for the next couple of days, John has a signing tomorrow somewhere close by, and he's going to be gone most of the afternoon. How about we meet for lunch tomorrow? Say around one?"

I can't help but smile at how happy and hopeful she sounds right now. It's like I've made her entire day just a little bit better, made Madison just a little bit happier, and it is filling me with pride. I have finally done something to make her smile instead of cry. Madison is on the other end of the phone, happy, because of me.

"That sounds perfect beautiful. Where do you want me to meet you?"

"The little Mexican restaurant, the next town over, ya' know the one that I am always talking John into going to?"

"If that's what you want then that's where we'll go. So what is it that you have to talk to me about?"

I hear her give a small chuckle before she answers me. "I don't want to tell you over the phone, but I am excited to talk to you and see you I just—"

I hear hesitation in her voice and it makes my heart race just a bit faster. What would she personally have to say to me that would make her hesitate?

"What is it Madison?"

"I—I want you to be happy for me. I'll see you tomorrow Randall."

I hear the dial tone before I can say another word to her. I don't know what to feel right now. I don't know whether to be worried for her, or worried about myself. Whatever she is going to tell me is something that has her excited and nervous all at the same time.

Right now I wish that I could make time slow down. With the way that my life flies by I find myself wishing that very often. But right now I almost wish that it would just stand still. I keep checking my watch hoping that if I focus on it hard enough, time will begin to obey my commands; it works for almost everything else.

I sit at the table and smile at the hostess who has seated me. She stares at me like she knows me but is tactfully trying to give me some alone time. And even though I recognize all the signs, I am very appreciative that she is at least giving me some time alone to gather my thoughts.

I am so caught up in worry and anxiety that I know I've arrived a half hour earlier than planned with Madison, but I need the extra time to calm my heart and act like I have a small bit of sanity left in me. Truthfully I think it all disappeared the moment that I agreed to have this luncheon with Madison.

My foot is bouncing up and down and I'm jittery all over. I don't know what is making me feel this way, but I can't seem to control any part of my body. And as I am rubbing my hands up and down my arms trying to find a way to keep myself busy I am becoming increasingly frustrated. I am not one to get nervous. I have sat in front of Vince McMahon after one of my childish outbursts and have been less intimidated and less afraid than I am at this very moment.

"Is there anything that I can get for you while you wait for the other party sir?"

The voice startles me and pulls me from my own mind for a moment as I look up into the eyes of the waitress who has been trying her best to act as if she doesn't recognize me.

"A glass of water would be nice," I tell her flashing her one of my smiles and winking.

The small flirtation and the blush that creeps into her cheeks put me slightly at ease. This is who I am; this is who I have always been. I am Randy Orton. I have always felt that I was good enough for anything, for anyone. It's who I am, how I was raised. Sitting here acting as if I were a junkie that was going through heavy withdrawals in the middle of the restaurant is not who I am.

Yet my hands find their way up and down my arms once again and my legs have resumed their bouncing underneath the table. I'm supposed to be confident and cocky, nearly to the point of unbearable arrogance. Where is that now? Why can't I seem to find any of my usual self esteem that seems to forever be in an over abundant amount?

"Randy, you came early."

I swallow and stare at the floor for a moment before I lift up my head to look into the green eyes of Madison. I have to work to breathe, to swallow, to remember that she's married and that I am supposed to be here to listen to her as a friend.

"Hi beautiful," I stand and plant a small kiss on her cheek as I pull out a chair for her to sit at.

Her scent, her smile, the way her eyes dance under the dim lighting of the restaurant; it is all the same. She isn't the broken down woman that I saw two weeks ago. She's happy and vibrant as ever. It is still noticeable that she's lost too much weight for her own good, and she doesn't seem to be slowing down on losing it either. But even still she looks happy, for the first time in nearly a month I finally get to see her happy.

"You are never early, is your watch busted or something?"

I smile at the humor in her voice and shake my head. "No, I just wanted to make sure that I didn't have you waiting. It sounded like it was important when you were talking to me on the phone."

I see her nod and give a small smile. "It is, but I don't want to do all the heavy stuff first. First I want to say thank you."

"Thank you?" After everything that I have put her through Madison is sitting across from me thanking me? I know that I am showing every last bit of confusion that I am feeling and that's fine by me. I know I don't deserve any gratitude and I want her to know that I have been an idiot and that I am in fact trying to own up to it.

"Yes Randy, I wanted to thank you. After everything that we said to each other that day you still went back and talked to John. You talked him into coming back home. He wasn't even upset that you were here, he was just happy that he came home and listened to what you were saying.

If it weren't for you I don't know if John would have even come back home yet. He was so angry with me and whatever you said to him—it worked."

I am forcing the smile that is so fake it is nearly splitting my face in half. But I'm putting it on and it will stay there. I am here to keep Madison happy. It has been far too long since I was able to do something to make her happy. I can keep smiling like this all through lunch. Even when I feel nauseous after hearing how wonderful I was for sending John back home and making sure that the two of them were living happily ever after.

Everything that I send to John was in honesty just to throw it in his face that I was there for Madison and he wasn't. I was never trying to get John to go back home. Sure if that did happen then all the better, but there was no way that I had any real intentions of making that happen.

I'm not trying to sound like a bad guy, but I am a man, a man in love, a man in love with a woman who doesn't want him. I'm not quite sure what I would do to get Madison, but what I do know is that I would not purposely do anything to bring John and Madison back together.

"I'm glad that I could help out. I didn't think that he would believe me, or really even listen to me," I tell her honestly. "I thought he would just punch me and walk away. I was surprised when he stuck around to listen to me."

Madison gives me a large smile and nods her head. "He surprised me when he walked into the study. I didn't think that it was him at first, it was like a dream. A dream that I don't want to have end."

My smile seems to force itself up a tad bit further on my face and I feel like my lips will crack in half from how hard I am forcing this.

"It's great to see you happy again Maddie. You are happy right?"

She nods and as her curls bounce around her face I feel my face relax into a genuine smile. All the pain, all the heartache is all worth it just to know that she is happy.

"I am honestly and truly happy Randal."

I groan at the sound of my full name but smile at the same time. She's the only one, besides my parents, that can get away with that without suffering any consequences.

"What do I have to do to get you to stop calling me that?" I ask her with a small chuckle.

"There isn't anything you can do to make me stop so just get used to it."

I laugh and watch her intently. Every move of her body is graceful and energetic. She turns the most mundane of stories about her everyday life into the biggest of adventures. This is what I missed about her lately. Madison can never run out of stories and she always keeps me interested. I miss her everyday that I am not around her. I wonder when the pain will lessen, even though I suspect that it will probably always hurt. I can only hope that one day it won't be so debilitating.

I sigh and push my plate away from me. We've gone through three courses and Madison is still digging into her food. I smile and watch as she closes her eyes to enjoy her dessert.

"When are we going to talk about why you wanted me to come out here so quickly?" I finally ask her the question that has been weighing on my mind since I walked into the restaurant.

I watch as Madison drops her fork, leans back in her chair and studies my face. I let what feels like hours pass as she stays silent and stares into my eyes. I am not sure what she's looking for but I won't disturb her; not until she finds what she is looking for.

"John took me to the doctor last week, after he came home."

The fear that creeps into my chest sends me reeling. I can feel the bile that sits in the back of my throat as it fights to make its way up my throat. I knew that she hasn't been feeling well, but to break Madison down enough to get her to go visit a doctor only means that something big is going on.

"Is everything alright? What happened?" I can't let her finish her sentence. I don't know if I can take hearing whatever it is she's going to say.

"Randy I—" I take in a deep breath as she hesitates for a moment. "I'm pregnant."

I blow out a long breath and fight not to fall over in my chair. I can't speak; my tongue is taking up my entire mouth. I don't even know how to feel. All I know at this moment is that my initial reaction is not a happy or congratulatory mood.

Somehow I'm feeling slightly betrayed, and I am certain that all of my dreams are officially over. Those two words have ripped everything that has been keeping me together out from underneath me. I can feel the earth cracking underneath my feet. I won't be able to stand much longer. I won't be able to hide everything that I have been burying inside any longer.

"Pregnant huh?" I know that it sounds rude and insensitive. It's all that I can manage as I'm staring through her.

"Almost eight weeks."

I take the first opportunity to look at her and notice that her smile isn't reaching her eyes. It's crooked and wobbly. She's fighting to keep the smile on her face, so much so that she can't make it look anywhere near real.

I give a small frown and lean forward taking her hand in mine. I don't know what I'm doing. I shouldn't be touching her. I shouldn't be leaning in to smell her, or stare into her gorgeous green eyes. I should be running in the other direction. But once again I know that all of my feelings for her are going to overrule any bit of common sense that I have.

"Maddie, beautiful, tell me the truth, all I want is the truth right now ok?" I see her nod before I continue on. "How do you feel about this?"

"Honestly Randy I'm terrified," she answers me without skipping a beat. "I know that I want to be a mother but I don't know if I'm ready for everything else that is going to go with it."

"What about John?" I ask her.

She breaks out in a large smile and shakes her head. "He jumped on the phone right away calling anyone that would listen to him. I think he gets it; he finally gets how great he would be as a father. He can't be more excited."

I nod and lean back a bit without letting go of her hand. Now I know why she answered me so quickly. She's been dying to tell someone that she isn't overly thrilled about it all. She can't let John see her insecurities; he'll only confuse it with not wanting the baby.

"Beautiful, it's going to be a lot of change. I don't blame you for being a bit scared. You'll be doing a lot of this on your own without John around. He'll be out there busting his butt to provide the best life he can for his family, but you'll be home alone doing what you have to do to keep the house running. You're in for a major change and it's ok to be scared." I give her a hand a soft squeeze and smile. "You'll be a wonderful mother you have nothing to worry about there."

She smiles and sniffles back a few tears. "Thank you Randal."

"How are you feeling?" I ask her.

I hear a groan escape her lips and look at her with curiosity.

"This is the first meal that I have been able to stomach in weeks. They put me on a monitored dose of compazine. They are afraid that if I keep throwing up and losing weight that I'll lose the baby and endanger my health as well. I feel better since I've been on it, but problem is I can only be on it for a small time. They don't want to risk anything happening to the baby if I'm on it too long. So after a few weeks it's back to full time nausea and not being able to eat."

I reach over and give her a hug. The worry that is all over her face tugs at my heart. I still can't seem to be fully happy for her and John. But I would never want her to experience that kind of pain and grief.

"Are you happy for me Randy?"

The words are whispered into my ear and my heart begins to race. How can I answer her? I can't possibly tell her no and watch the tears spill over. She wants my support. She wants something that right now I simply cannot offer.

"Randy? You're happy for me right?"

I feel her pull back and I do my best to hide the confliction of emotions. I want to be happy, I simply can't feel anything besides the need to fall into my bed and cry.

I watch as her eyes search my face. I know what she's looking for and that it won't take too long to find. This entire lunch is about to go straight to hell.

Her eyes go wide and anger begins to set in on her features. "You aren't happy, you aren't happy at all," she accuses.

I shake my head and deny it. It is so much more than not being happy for her. "No Beautiful, it's not like that. If you are happy than I am happy for you. I just—"

"No don't give me any of that crap Randy, you are either honestly happy for me or you aren't."

I sigh and rub my hands over my head. This is frustrating. I don't know how to tell her all that I am feeling. I don't know how to make her understand that even though I am happy that she's moving on with her life and starting a family; but I can't be happy that it isn't with me. I can't be happy that the woman who has my heart in her hands is having a baby with someone other than me.

"Then I guess I can't be happy for you Madison," I tell her leveling her with cold look.

I know that my defensive side is rearing its ugly head. I also know that the attitude I am giving her is simply to push her away so I can be angry. I want to be angry rather than hurt. I want to hate someone and hit something rather than spend my nights wondering if I could have ever had Madison for my own.

"How can you say that? I thought that we were friends Randy, I thought that we were grownups."

I shrug my shoulders and lean back in my chair, defiant and non-chalant. I want her to fight with me. Give me a reason to truly get angry. Anything that will allow me to hide the tears that are sitting in my eyes. I'm about to lose her for good whether or not I fall on my knees and beg her to stay. There's nothing that I can say or do at this moment to make her hate me any less. She wants me to be happy and I can't be. It isn't really that simple. But to survive the tearing in my heart I have to make it that simple. This has to be black and white. I can't get caught up in grey again. And neither can she. Madison is better off without me.

"We are grownups Madison, but some things we just can't get past."

"And my child is something that we can't get past? You're supposed to be happy for me Randy, not jealous," she spits out at she stands up and walks out of the restaurant.

I sigh and stand as I throw money down on the table and run after her. I know that I need to let her go, but I can't let her go like this. I need to make sure that she won't hate me forever.

"Beautiful wait up," I call to her easily catching up to where she's slowly walking towards her car.

"Don't call me that," she says angrily as she spins on her heels to face me. "I don't want to hear any term of affection come out of your mouth. In fact I don't want to hear anything from you ever again. I risk so much to come here and talk to you and tell you that I'm pregnant, that I'm scared, that I'm elated. I need a friend right now Randy, not a man who thinks that I am his territory which he needs to mark a bit better to keep the others away."

I laugh and take her hand. "I do not think of you as my territory Madison. I wish you were, but I know that you aren't. Can't you see what's going on? You want me to be happy and I can't be that. I can't just sit there and feel nothing but happiness for you. I want to, just to make sure that nothing upsets you and to see you happy and smiling but I can't do it. This has to be cut and dry for me, and for you. It's the only way that we can try and get over anything. I need to let you walk away and not look back. I can't sit here and be torn up about this. And I don't want you torn up about it either."

I watch her eyes go cold and give me a stern criticizing look. "You are my best friend. I need you to support me and you are telling me that you can't. There is no way to not be torn up about it."

I sigh and walk her to her car. "Get in, drive away and don't look back. You kicked me out of your house for good reasons, you need to go and have that life. I'm doing this for you and no one else beautiful. You deserve a happily ever after. Go on," I urge her as I open the car door. "Go Madison, I mean it. I am not going to be happy for you, or be able to be the sounding board for all your problems, not through this, now get out of here."

I see the tears spill down her cheeks and I want to pull her in my arms, and leave her there. I can't bear to think about life without her. So I'm not. All I'm thinking about is making the right decision for her.

"I need you Randy, I don't know how to do this on my own."

"You won't have to," I say softly wiping a few tears away. "You have John. And I'm pretty certain that if you give him a chance he can be a great father and husband to the two of you."

I see her smile through her tears and a bit of my pain is alleviated. I'm dying inside but to know that I can make her smile still is a relief that I need to feel.

"Can't you just tell me that you're happy? I need you to be there for me Randy."

I shake my head and gently push her into the car until she's sitting in the driver seat staring intently at me.

"Get out of here Madison. Go home to John, love your husband."

I lean forward and give a gentle, passionate kiss. It'll be the last time that I taste her lips, and I make it last as long as I can. I hear her give a soft moan before I break the kiss and rub her cheek.

"Goodbye Madison," I say softly as I close the door to her car.

It seems like an eternity before I see her collect herself enough to drive away leaving me standing alone. And as I head back to my car and cry I know that I've done the right thing. People may not know what they're saying when they say the true test of love is to let someone go and see if they come back to you. I will never understand why someone would put themselves through that type of agony. I know that even though I love Madison, I've let her go and she isn't coming back.

Fate is not going to bring us together; destiny will not have our lives intertwined in some magical, romantic way. We are going to live our own separate lives and nothing is going to bring us any closer together.

My best friend, my almost lover, is gone. I've let her go and she isn't going to be coming back to me any time soon.

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**I simply want to say thank you** **to giftiebee and xSMASHxORTONx for their kind and faithful reviews you guys are great and I love finding new reviews from you guys so once more thank you very much. **

**And to xXParieceXx- The reason that this took longer than expected to update is because I have pretty much been going full throttle on the sequel to "Lean On Me" so John and Alaina will be making their return soon enough. And thank you for the support it means so much to me. **

**But of course the more that I get bugged the faster it'll probably be up so if you want the sequel people let me know it ;)**

**As always I love the reviews no matter how many I get, so leave them for me people. I know there are those of you out there so let me know what you're thinking.. Come on guys you know what to do :)**


	9. Chapter 9

My mind seems to be a complete blank. No one thought can stay in my head long enough for me to process it. My whole world has just been turned on its head and the one that I normally turn to, to help me sort through it has just told me that I am not to be in his life anymore. He wants me to turn to my husband, and I believe that he is probably right about it. There is only one problem. I am not sure that I know how to do that.

I don't think that I can be certain about anything anymore. Not after Randy has put me in the car and ordered me to leave him behind.

I realize that I'm in the driveway of my home before I can even register that I've driven all the way home. I don't remember doing any of that. Only watching Randy close the door to my car and back away a bit so I could drive off. None of this is making sense to me.

"Are you going to sit out here all day long?"

I look out the window to see John watching me with an amused expression on his face. He doesn't know where I've been this afternoon, or who I've been with. He probably thinks I just ran off to work for a bit or out to do a few errands. He would never once believe that I went off to see Randy purposely.

"How long have you been here?" I ask him trying to smile and get my head together.

With a quick glance at his watch his answer doesn't surprise me. "I just got out of the car a few minutes ago. The signing ran over by an hour. So many fans showed up today."

"Well you know that you are loved by all those fans," I answer him with a sweet smile and a sincere tone in my voice.

His fans mean so much to him, and it means even more that I understand exactly how his business works and where he stands with the fans.

"Come on inside, I'll fix us a little snack. I want to talk to you about something."

John's serious tone catches me off guard and I can only respond with a nod of my head. I know that I'm in no shape for another serious conversation, but at some point I have to start giving my husband a fair amount of attention and the chance to be all that I need him to be. And if I'm ever going to start then it should be now, in this moment, when my world seems to be tilted on its axis trying to throw me for one large loop.

His warm hand is helping to bring me back to earth. Somehow he's keeping me grounded, and helping me clear my hand a little bit at a time. With the simple touch of his hand I know that I'm doing the right thing by cutting Randy out of my life. John and I belong together; now more than ever that we're having a baby. I need to rely on my husband; I need to tell him just how I feel about all of this. And I swear to myself that I will as he leads me to the kitchen and we sit down at the island in the middle of the kitchen.

"Do you want some fruit, or yogurt maybe?" I smile at the concern in John's voice and shake my head. "Honey you need to eat. You have a growing life inside of you; you need to think about that."

I laugh and gently take John's hand in mine. "Cena, you need to trust me on this ok? I know what I'm doing. I went out and got myself a large lunch. I'm going to take advantage of the time that I'm not nauseated since I'm on this medicine. I have no room left in my stomach for anything else. I could never forget that I'm pregnant. I and this baby are both fine and will continue to stay that way."

"I just want to take care of you Maddie. I left you before when I shouldn't have and we almost lost the biggest thing that has happened to us because of it."

I shake my head and look at him teary eyed. I don't want to think about Randy, or the fight between John and me. I have a hard enough time knowing that it existed. Talking about it like it meant nothing to me is much too hard for me, especially in my overly emotional condition.

"John that was not your fault. I screwed up and you were angry. It's normal to want to take a bit of a break and try to get everything straightened out in your head. None of it was your fault. It is just something with my body. It isn't taking being pregnant too nicely and it has nothing to do with you, or anyone else for that matter."

I see John nod his head but I know that he doesn't agree with me. In his head right now he is going over all the different ways that it is his fault, or a way to blame Randy. He feels too horrible about leaving me alone to let me shoulder any of the blame for this entire situation. And that makes me even more annoyed than anything else. How can John ignore the fact that I've been carrying on this tumultuous emotional affair with Randy for years? Shouldn't he be angry and fighting with me to try and make it up to him?

Some people would probably call me crazy, or love to be where I am right now. John blames nothing on me, we're having a baby and we've decided to try and start fresh with our relationship. But I can't move on. John has swept it all under the rug, so to speak, and I feel so conflicted. I can't let this go. I can't move on. I want to talk this all through with him. I'd rather be fighting than pretending that I have never done anything wrong in this relationship. I hate unfinished business, it sits with me and festers until its oozing puss and I'm screaming about nothing that matters only to relieve some of the anger and stress I feel inside. The more time that passes by the worse I feel about not fighting about how wrong I was to hide things from John and feel an inexpressible connection and attraction to Randy. I need to fight about it. I need to bring it back out into the open and figure all this out with John.

"I want to bring Randy over."

The sentence that just came from John's mouth sends me crashing back to the present, back to reality where nothing is solved with John and Randy has just walked out of my life, and I nearly fall off the stool that I'm perched on at the moment.

"I'm sorry, what?" I can't think, I can't function. I don't want to hear that name anymore, let alone see his face. I don't know how to handle looking in the deep blue eyes that seem to mist when he stares at me. I can't hear that deep gravelly voice that makes me slightly weak at the knees. "You want to what?"

"I want Randy to come over for dinner. I want to talk things through with him."

"John the last time you saw him you beat him up. You can't just invite the man over and think that you can talk rationally. You are not a very rational person," I try to reason. My heart is beating so hard, so fast, and so loud that I'm nearly positive that John can hear it from across the island where he is staring at me with a bewildered look on his face.

"I may not always be rational Madison but I'm thinking rationally now. I've been thinking about it for the past week."

"And you didn't think to run it past me? You didn't think that I might like to know what you are planning on doing." I have an edge to my voice and an attitude that surprises even me. Maybe it's because I'm scared of what is going to happen, or to know that Randy will be back in my life somehow. Maybe it's because John has put everything on the line for his friends and family more than once and I'm starting to feel a little bit inferior. But I'm defensive and I am ready to fight.

"I did think that you would like to know, that's why as soon as I was sure that I was going to do it I told you about it. I've been thinking it over but I didn't think I would do it. I would think about him and automatically want to hurt him. The thought that he touched you, kissed you—it—I—you—"

"You're still angry about it," I offer as an end to his fragmented thoughts and sentence.

"Of course I am!" He says to me as if I should know it without any doubt.

"How would I possibly know that John? We haven't talked about any of what happened since you came home. Everything has been baby this and baby that since we went to the doctor. And now you want Randy to come over so that you can 'talk things through'."

"You are my wife and I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. Why would you doubt that I'd still be angry with him?"

I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. "I can't know unless you tell me John," I say quietly. I'm getting too worked up and soon I'll be crying.

"Maddie I don't want to fight with you. All I want to do is bring Randy over to talk."

I shake my head and look down at the marble countertop. How can I tell John no without explaining to him everything that I just went through this afternoon? I continue to stare at the countertop as I try to find the past way to tell John no. I don't have the strength to look up into John's eyes and see the confusion and the pleading and eventually the frustrated anger that will come about. I just want to tell him no and be done with it.

"I don't want him here when I'm here," I tell him calmly. I hope that maybe he won't ask too many questions.

"Madison we have to get past this some time."

"No John. If you want to see him then you do it on your own time. Not when I'm here."

His hands are running through his short hair and he's pacing in a small area around the island. I know that he's used to me giving him just about all that he wants. He's easily frustrated and he doesn't normally ask for much so my willingness to comply to his wants rarely bothers me. But I can't give him this, I won't give him this and it's about to blow up in my face.

"Are we really going to go through this again Madison? Why are you always so unwilling to work things out with him?"

His accusation makes me want to scream and smack him straight across the face. Will Randy always take precedent over me? Will he be willing to protect Randy before me for the entirety of our relationship? I brought Randy into our home and I told him things that John will never understand. I worked it all out with Randy. I was able to see him and speak to him, no matter how hard and strained it may have been. Randy was the one that has just walked out on me no more than an hour ago.

"John I don't think that I should have to explain why I don't want Randy here while I'm around."

"Maddie I just want to have the man over for dinner so we can all sit down and talk like adults. I have to work with him on a daily freaking basis. I need to be on civil terms with him."

"So then you know what John you have him over and you talk to him. You can sit with him like two wonderful adults and work through your little relationship kinks. Me, I'm going to go out. I won't be here, and I probably won't be coming back tonight either."

I feel John's hand wrap easily around my arm as I try and storm out of the kitchen. I sigh and don't bother to try and fight him. He isn't ready to give up on this topic and he won't leave me alone until he is.

"Don't walk out on this Madison. There is no reason for you to leave the house for the whole night just because Randy is coming over. What do you have against him Maddie? Why can't you get along with him? You know that he's impulsive and pretty arrogant when he wants to be. It has never bothered you before. Can't you just do this for me?"

"No John I can't."

"No Madison you can do this you just refuse to. What is it about Randy?"

I spin on my heels and push him off me the best that I can. In some ways he and Randy are so alike that it makes me sick. They never understand the true problem, and even when they do they never want to honestly address it.

"What is it about you? Why are you taking up for him after everything that he's done? How, after what he's said to you, can you look at me and tell me that I need to give him another chance? Why, aren't you standing here, telling me that he'll never be allowed in this house again because he did too many things that upset me?"

My voice is growing louder at an exponential rate and the severe tone that I've taken on is new to me.

"You should be taking up for me, not him! If I tell you I don't want him over then you should understand that!"

"You should understand that I want my best friend back! I told you once before that I won't choose between the two of you and I meant it."

I drop my head for a moment and take a deep breath to steady my temper. I try and stay laid back for a large reason. I cannot handle anger. I get loud and I get nasty, and it happens to quick for me to even begin to rein it in.

I stare John dead in the eye before I speak slowly and deadly calm. "This time John you have to choose. Either him or me because if he comes, I go."

I can see John study my face for a long moment trying to see if I am serious about my ultimatum. And as the realization dawns on him that I am serious the fury slowly begins to seep into his facial features.

"That isn't fair." His voice is strained and he is trying to keep calm. The harsh whisper that he is using tells me that he wants to yell but is trying to keep it inside. "I've known him longer than I've known you."

"Then go have a relationship with him; climb in his bed."

"Madison you cannot ask me to do this."

"I just have John, and you need to make your choice. One of these days, you are going to need to start putting your family before your road family."

I turn and walk away and manage to make it to the hallway before I hear John's booming voice. But this time I won't turn around and run to him. I am giving up Randy for my family; it's time that John at least puts a limit on his friendship with Randy. I can't see the man anytime soon, and John needs to understand that, even if he doesn't fully understand it.

I grab my cell phone and lock myself in the bathroom before running myself a bath. I've had a hard day and I want it all to end. Nothing was supposed to go this way. I need someone to talk to but I don't know who that might be. The banging around downstairs tells me that John is still throwing a fit about what I've told him. It only means that he'll come upstairs telling me that he'll do as I ask because he loves me so much. At least that is what I'm hoping for.

That still leaves me with no one to talk to. My family will only worry. Not to mention I haven't told them that I'm pregnant. I can't seem to get the words out of my mouth. I'm terrified to admit it, I'm terrified to give in to the idea in any way. And the one person that knows exactly how I feel is not talking to me.

"Randy," I speak into the phone after I listen to his voicemail message. "We left things off in a weird way before. I know that you don't want me calling you but I don't know who to turn to. You've always been my best friend, and the one that I talk to when I'm confused and right now I'm confused. How can I go to John when all he wants is for me to feel the same way he's feeling? Please Randy, tell me that you and I can still talk. I need you."

I hang up the phone and sink into the bathtub. I know that Randy won't call back but I don't know what else to do. I can't cut the man out of my heart.

The ringing of my phone sends me bolting upright and my eyes flying open. The noise is a harsh contrast to the quiet serenity I've been experiencing in the tub.

"Madison Cena," I answer without looking at the caller id. It's not uncommon for work or potential clients to call me at any point during the work week. Especially when I'm not working in the office.

"Hi beautiful."

His voice makes me sit just a bit straighter and my brain kicks into overdrive as I try to snap out of the fog that I'm in.

"Randy, you called back, I didn't think that you would."

"I just talked to John Maddie."

My heart beats at the saddened tone that his voice has. Whatever he wants to tell me I know that it won't be any good.

"What did he tell you? Because we just got into a fight downstairs not too long ago."

"He told me that you told him to choose between me and you, and that you wouldn't tell him why you said no to me being around."

I sigh and sink back into the tub. "After everything that you said to me this afternoon I just wanted to abide by your wishes. You told me to go and I'm trying Randall. It's just harder than I thought. And I didn't think telling him about today would help anything. I want you guys to make up, I just don't know how to be around you without—"

"Without feeling that hole, and all that pain?"

I nod to confirm his statement as if he could see me through his phone. "Why can't you just tell me that you want to help me through this?" I ask him. I know that I shouldn't keep asking him this, but I need to understand it to accept it, and I am nowhere near understanding.

"I wouldn't lie to you Madison so believe me when I tell you that I want to tell you that. There is nothing that I would love more than to see your belly grow as that baby grows because I do want to but you need this. You need to do this without me. Your life is going to change and you need to know that you can be with your husband without having me in the middle of it. I love the fact that you are going to be a mother and I don't doubt that you are going to be even more beautiful because of it but I can't stand in your way. You aren't mine in real life. Sure in my mind you are mine, you are all mine all day every day and I love it there. But I can't live there. I will always think of you as mine beautiful, but the reality of it is that you need John just like he needs you."

I shake my head and close my eyes to keep the tears from falling. I wish that Randy were standing in front of me right now. I would be able to feel his arms wrapped around me as we talked. The gentle rubbing of my back to keep me calm and feel safe. I can't help but miss him.

"John is more concerned with keeping his friendship with you than he is with our relationship. Everything is about me forgiving you and moving on and being friends again. How can I tell him that it isn't what you want? How do I tell him that my heart is broken because you walked away from me?"

"You won't have to beautiful. John is going to meet me for dinner while we're on the road. He told me that I can't come by the house anymore. Not with you so upset. The man loves you and he feels terrible about the fight. I heard it in his voice. But I'm going to tell him the truth. Maybe it won't be so bad one day, who knows."

I laugh and sniffle back a few tears. "Who are we kidding Randall. We always manage to make a mess of things somehow. It'll never be over for us."

I hear his deep chuckle and something inside my chest seems to settle. This will be the last decent conversation that we'll have for quite some time, and I won't be able to feel his arms or his lips anymore. But I know that Randy still cares for me and that I can talk to him and still find small amounts of comfort in his words.

"You are probably right beautiful. We probably won't ever stop arguing or trying to figure out our relationship. I just wanted you to know that John chose you, and you shouldn't doubt if he'll choose you. When it comes down to it you're his wife and he'll do anything to make the relationship work."

"Thank you Randall," I whisper into the phone as I let tears of relief and sadness fall from my eyes. Yes I have John but this is the last that I will hear from Randy.

"I need to go get some work done beautiful. I guess that I'll see you when I see you."

"Maybe when it isn't so hard to hear each other's names."

"Maybe. Good bye Madison."

"Good bye Randall."

I lay my phone down and stand up from the tub. I have just let Randy go and do the healing that he needs to do. I'm certain that it is time that I begin to do the same.

Dripping wet I wrap a towel around me and walk softly out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. I am not too surprised to see John sitting on the bed looking every bit of miserable that I feel.

"You always take a bath when you're upset. I just figured that I would give you your time."

I walk over and sit next to him laying my hand on his thigh and smiling up into his blue eyes. "Thank you John." I caress his face as he stares at me with a slight bit of confusion. "Randy called me, told me what you said to him and I thank you. I know that I didn't fully explain to you, and I hope that you can deal with not knowing. But it means more to me than you'll ever know that you went with me even when you didn't fully understand."

"Baby when are you going to get it through your head that I love you more than anyone else? I'm sorry that sometimes it seems like others come before you but it isn't true. My job is staked on the way that I handle myself backstage and I have to work things out with Randy. I need to, to keep my job."

I nod my head and lay my head on his shoulder. "Trust me John I want you to do that. I want you to go and fix what you can with Randy, but I need you to be with me too. I need you to understand that I don't want him around me right now."

"He's a good man Maddie."

"And I don't want him around."

"He just made a mistake and he feels horrible."

"John I said no."

"I'm sure that the two of you can work it out." I shake my head and try to keep quiet. I know that John only wants his two favorite people speaking and hanging out once more. He wants his life to be as it was before and he's unwilling to accept that it simply won't be. "If you just tried maybe you could—"

"No John," my tone of voice is steely and firm and leaves no room for negotiation. "No, no, no. And I'm not going to talk about it anymore."

"Ok Maddie I'm sorry I pushed. I don't want to upset you or hurt the baby any."

I sigh and stay silent. I should be telling John just how terrified I am of having a baby. That it's bringing about so many doubts I feel lost and crushed beneath it all. But somehow my mouth won't work. I don't want to destroy the delicate peace we have between the two of us at this moment. My mind is a raceway of thoughts and emotions. Each one wants to be expressed and worked through first. And anything that I can tell him now I am sure will sound like gibberish. The problem with not saying anything is that he's leaving in two days to go back on the road. And he'll be working overtime so that he can take time off for the baby. He'll be doing more promotion and touring than usual to make sure that he is still on the fans minds when he takes the time off. I don't know when they'll be time to tell him that I'm unsure about this pregnancy and what it'll mean.

"John, promise me that no matter what happens you'll still love me." I look up into his confused eyes and lay a soft kiss on his lips. "Please John, just promise me."

He nods and runs his fingers through my hair. "I promise no matter what I will love you Maddie. Always and forever."


	10. Chapter 10

There's a reason that people write songs about love, loss, heartache; about what they know, what they've lived. Songs about what we've all lived. The feelings are so strong that they consume you, your days, your nights, your dreams. All of it belongs to the harsh feelings that have crept their way into your soul with you barely noticing. They stay there until it seems as if it is going to bust out of you, and rip you open at the seams unless you get rid of it somehow. And that's what people do; they rid themselves of the feelings by singing, writing, dancing, and any outlet they find. Me, I fight, and I've been fighting ever since my lunch with Maddie.

It's been two months and I haven't heard a word from her. My fingers have stopped trying to dial her number and my legs don't twitch and keep moving until they find their way to her presence. But my dreams are filled with her beautiful green eyes, the ones that should be smiling at me. And my hands imagine the feel of her silky soft skin as I rub her long, delicious legs, legs that should be wrapped around me while we're in bed together. I imagine her next to me every moment of every day and it hurts me too much for words. I'm barely sure that I'm alive anymore. The only way I know is that I can't shake the pain that is buried in my heart and soul. I miss my beautiful Madison and I wish I didn't have to live this way. Yet strangely enough, I wouldn't change it for anything. I would never want to go my entire life without feeling this; without knowing that even though it may not be strong enough, my Maddie has feelings for me.

I haven't talked to John, or looked in his direction unless we were in the ring. I swear maybe I should just switch to acting because the feelings that I'm able to mask and the character that I'm pulling off week after week, I guarantee that it would earn me an Oscar. John keeps asking when the two of us are going to dinner to hash this entire situation out, and although I want to go I just can't seem to stop moving. I want to be in the ring every moment of every day. I need to have my hands on someone, something, at all times. I want to hurt and destroy, entertain and be loved by the fans. I feel too much to stop working and being on the move. If I'm not busy I'm in misery, so I stay busy.

"Orton, wait up you need to talk to me."

I hang my head at the sound of John's deep voice booming from the end of the hallway. I've been avoiding him the last two weeks. I don't want to keep dodging this dinner; I just don't know how to say yes to it. But I need to face it; I need to be a man about it. I'm just not sure if I'm a real man anymore. Do real men cry themselves to sleep every night? Do they turn down numerous offers of amazing one night stands because the thought of a woman's touch other than the one he loves sickens him? Do real men wander the halls of their homes and hotels every night because the dreams of the woman he'll never has haunts him nightly? Am I somehow still a real man?

"How come every time I catch sight of you, you're running in the other direction? The only time I see your face is in the ring. Are you avoiding me?"

I turn to face John and shake my head. I don't have to fake a smile, or happiness. He knows how I'm feeling, and even if he doesn't he can take one look into my eyes and tell exactly how I feel.

"I'm not trying to avoid you John, I've just been extremely busy."

"You're keeping yourself that way from what I hear. What's going on with you? You said yes to dinner, now you're running all over the globe to avoid me."

"Don't get all frustrated Cena I'm just trying to get through a few things."

"You mean getting over being in love with my wife."

I finally meet his eyes with a surprised look and see the fury in his eyes. I would never expect him to give me any form of sympathy but I never realized just how angry he's been with me.

"That's what you mean isn't it?" His voice is harsh and cold but not distant. He's full of passion and rage that has been unexpressed for far too long.

"No John that isn't what I mean. Believe it or not that isn't what's bothering me."

John gives me a disbelieving look and I understand why. Why does he have any reason to believe me? I tried to carry on an affair with his wife. He caught us kissing so of course he would be hard pressed to trust me.

"Please John believe me. I am not having a hard time dealing with my feelings for Madison. I'm having a hard time adjusting to not having her in my life, to not having you in my life. The two of you kept me so centered and grounded, and it's hard to not have you around."

"There's no one to blame but you Orton. You did things that made this happen. God man, we go back for far too many years for it to end this way. How could you do it?"

I stare at him blankly and shake my head. I don't know the reason, or at least I can't put it into words. "I can't really tell you man. I know you want a reason, I just don't have one."

John lowers his head for a minute and I know that he's trying to calm down. He's been just as upset about this as the rest of have been, only he's been much better at hiding it. I guess that's part of the appeal of John, he keeps his cool under just about any circumstances. He may blow up at you for a quick second but once it's over he'll be fine no matter what. I wish that I knew how to do that.

"Alright here's what we're going to do. I talked to your agent, you have nothing booked for tonight, apparently even the great "Legend Killer" needs a night off; So the two of us are going for a long late dinner tonight. We're going to get comfortable with each other again if it kills us. And you are going to tell me the whole story. And so help me Randy if I find that you lie to me or leave the smallest, most obscure detail out I won't hesitate to come after you and rip you to shreds. This is it you understand? One chance to make it on the way to right."

I nod and shuffle my feet trying to avoid his gaze. I don't quite know why but I feel like a child being scolded by his parent. And I'm sure if my father knew what was going on he would be giving me a lecture a mile long. Maybe I need it, who knows. Because as much as I love John as my friend, I just can't give up my feelings for Madison or the belief that deep down she is truly mine.

"I'll see you after the show," I say quietly before turning around and walking away.

My heart beats faster than hummingbird's wings for the rest of the night. My adrenaline is pumping before they even hit the music and it has nothing to do with the roar of the audience, the veracity which the crowd is booing me with, or the idea of performing live in front of millions. It has everything to do with talking to John. Dealing with the giant white elephant that sits between us every time we look at each other is terrifying to me. He wants to know what happened between me and Maddie, and I am wishing that this wrestling ring would simply swallow me whole so I don't have to see the hurt and anger on his face when I tell him.

But once more time refuses to be kind and before I am anywhere near ready I find myself sitting in a small restaurant waiting for John to come back from the restroom.

We've been lucky enough to not be noticed, or simply people are smart enough to know that it isn't a good time to be asking for autographs and kisses, and pictures.

"Look Randy, I know that this is awkward but we have to work together every day. And by now people are starting to catch on to the fact that we aren't exactly on good terms. We've got a long friggin feud coming up and I think it's only fitting that we work on this tension."

I want to grab John and wring him by his thick neck. How can he be so calm? How can he sit there and pretend as if all of this were nothing to him? I know that he can keep his calm but this is his wife we're talking about. Arguably the most beautiful, smart and all around amazing woman that has graced either of our presences'. He should be fuming, steaming from the ears, not leaning back in his chair carefully studying me asking me simple questions.

"When did it start Randy?"

I shrug and lean back in my chair trying to think of the best way to phrase my answer. I won't let John's calm and docile demeanor fool me. I may be frustrated by it but I know that underneath lies in wait sheer aggression that can find no better home than beating on me.

"Honestly, I think it started before you ever realized how much you loved her. I would go and hang out with you guys once or twice while we actually had time at home, and we'd stay up late and talk about our lives and what we wanted out of them. I think it started then."

"So you're saying the entire time I've been with Madison you've had feelings for her?"

I shake my head and try and get a bit comfortable under the intense stare of John's eyes. I suddenly feel as if I'm going to go through a three hour interrogation. And although John may want to know all these details that will probably only serve to anger him further; doing all of this interrogation style is not going to ease the tension.

"No I haven't had feelings for her the entire time that the two of you have been together. I'm saying that it started building up very slowly since the beginning. I had no idea that I had feelings for Maddie until long after."

"When?"

"What does it matter John?"

"When?" He asks me once more. Now I'm certain that this is going to be interrogation style. He's going to do nothing more than ask questions and demand answers.

"Just happened one night."

"What happened one night?"

I sigh and stare at John long and hard. I'm not sure what he's looking for, but I know that nothing I say can offer any form of comfort or solace from the turmoil that he's feeling inside.

"What is it exactly that you want to know John? Do you want to know all the intimate details of what made me fall in love with you wife? What is it that you want?"

"I want the truth. I want someone in this screwed up triangle that we have going on to tell me just what exactly is going on and when it started."

"It was a long time ago John. Sometime around New Year's. You had that big blowout at your place, and I had just ended things with Sam."

"Yeah I remember, you came over, got trashed and stayed the night."

I nod and clear my throat. How do I tell him what I know will break his heart? How can I tell him things that I know will change his opinion of Maddie forever?

"Well, Madison being the sweet friend that she always is decided to sit with me and talk to me about everything until I felt a bit better. I was so trashed that I couldn't be left alone; at least that is what she told me. And we sat around in the living room and talked for hours. I knew the minute that I touched her lips that I felt something for her."

"What exactly do you mean 'touched her lips'?"

"I kissed her John. It was quick and meant nothing, and she pushed me off right away."

"You kissed her that long ago and no one told me?"

"It wasn't a big deal and we never spoke of it. She wanted to act like it never happened so that nothing would be weird between me and you and I was happy to oblige."

"What else do I not know that you should be telling me?"

I shake my head and lower my eyes to my menu. "Nothing at all man."

"Orton, you're hididng something and I know it, now tell me the truth. When was the last time that you saw Madison?"

"Two months ago. We had lunch together."

"You had lunch together? When did you even have time in that jam packed schedule of yours to see her for lunch?"

"We had RAW in Florida that week. You were off at a signing."

I watch as realization sets in on John's face. He knows that day, he remembers the fight with Madison and how upset she was that day.

"That was the day that she told me she wanted nothing to do with you. Why would she tell me that she didn't want to see you, if she had just seen you that very afternoon?"

I hang my head. I don't want to look into his eyes any longer. I know that he'll hate me for what I'm about to tell him. I also know that I did the right thing by the both of them. But John is protective and irrational when it comes to his wife. He won't look past the fact that I hurt her feelings and told her that I couldn't be happy for her about the baby.

"I told her that I didn't want her around anymore. I was the one that told her to walk away from our friendship," I tell him hoping that the guilt and trembling I feel in my lips isn't coming across in my voice.

"You did what?! Why would you do that?"

"We had a little bit of a fight and I did what was best for everyone."

"You had a fight? What would you fight about?"

"She wanted me to be there for her during her pregnancy. I didn't want to do it."

"What?"

"John, I know that you are super excited about this baby and you should be. A baby is a great thing, but Maddie is scared and unsure and she wants someone to talk to about it."

"Randy if she were feeling anything of the sort she would come to me so that I could—"

"So you can do what exactly John? Set her right? Make her feel like you feel? She doesn't want that John. Her life is changing dramatically and it's scaring the crap out of her. What she wants is someone to sound off on and tell her that she has every right to feel the way that she does. She wants a friend, someone to lend an ear."

"No, there's no way that Maddie would feel that way about our baby. She loves our baby, loves the fact that we're having a baby."

I shake my head and risk a glance up into his angry eyes. "She's more than happy; she's over the moon about it. Doesn't mean that all the changes she's going to have to make aren't scaring her. She's scared John, not wishing that she wasn't pregnant, just frightened."

"Orton, if you know so much about it then why aren't you there for her? And how do you know all of this?"

I shrug and fix him with a stare. I want him to understand just how hard he is going to have to work to have Madison come to him with her problems. She doesn't want a "Mr. Fix It". She wants someone to comfort her, something I've become all too good at. I want John to know that he needs to go home and let his wife tell him all that she keeps pent up.

"It was the first thing that she told me when we went to lunch."

"She told you?"

I nod and fold my arms over my chest. "Why wouldn't she tell me? We've been going to each other for years with our problems."

"And what about me? I'm her husband!"

"John, I kissed Madison not because I wanted to take her away from you, or because I wanted to have some sort of illicit affair with her. I kissed her because I looked at her and everything melted away. There was nothing left but her and I in this blissful world. I never once thought about you or that she was married to my best friend. The only thought in my mind was that I loved her and I wanted to show her how much I loved her. My love for Madison is something that I can't change, but I'm learning to control. It's my love for her that lets me sit there and listen to her and just hug her. She's a strong woman who figures it out on her own. All she wants is to know that you are going to be there for her."

"But you said no to her. Why would you say no to her?"

"Because I cannot watch her go through it or listen to all about it. It's too painful for all of us to be caught in this dance. You would be wondering if there was anything more between me and her and fighting constantly. And me and Madison would probably still be arguing about our feelings for each other and how we deal with it all. The two of you need to have your own lives and be dependent on each other. I thought that the "Three's Company" theme was working and would work forever but it won't. I can't be out and out happy that the woman I am deeply in love with is having a baby without me."

I see John flinch as I finish my little speech and give a heartfelt sight. "I'm sorry John. I am just trying to do right by you and her now."

"Randy she was upset for days on end and I thought it was because of me. She wouldn't tell me a thing about what was wrong."

I give a small smile and let my eyes wander the restaurant as my thoughts drift to my Madison. She would never tell John exactly what happened. I would never tell John all of what happened. Some things in this life are meant to be taken to the grave, and kept deep within our hearts. My goodbye with Madison is one of those. And she feels the same as I do. Our love would never be enough but our bond of friendship will always be strong enough to protect each other.

"John, she just has a hard time opening up you know that already."

"She told me before you that she's afraid to have the baby." John shakes his head and gives something close to a growl as he runs his hand across his head over and over again. "She barely spoke to you before that. Didn't want to speak to you before that. And she calls you up and tells you everything that she won't tell me. Tell me why?"

"Because you'll try to fix it," I answer simply. "John Cena the man who has the answers for everything tries to give his wife the answers for any problem that she may come to him with. No John it isn't necessarily a bad thing," I say quickly seeing his mouth begin to open. "It just isn't what she wants. She wants you to be there for her and hug her tight. She wants to feel that you love her."

"I still don't understand it all though. She wants to know that I love her but she wants to go off and love you. How can she fall in love with another man when she's already in love?"

"Because she isn't in love with anyone but you," I say sadly. "I know you want your answers but there aren't any clear cut answers. I don't know why I kissed her, I don't know why she felt any sort of attraction to me in the first place. We operate with our hearts and it becomes messy and confusing and a mine field of bad situations and even worse consequences. You won't find your peace here with me though. It's waiting at home with your wife."

"Are you sure that this whole thing with Maddie is done and over with?"

I nod and keep the tears leaking from my eyes. "It's over Cena. It's been two months since I've seen her. How is she doing?"

John shrugs and shakes his head. "Physically, she's doing alright. Doctors took her off the medication and she's slowly but surely getting over the nausea. She's starting to gain a bit of weight back and get a little belly. I thought I knew for sure that she was happy and excited, now I just don't know."

I smile as the thought of Madison chubby and with a round pregnant belly floats into my mind. I'm sure she's more beautiful than ever.

"Don't worry John, she's happy. Just tell her you love and you'll be there for her no matter what and slowly enough all of her fears will go away."

John laughs and leans forward eyeing me with amusement the first time all night long. "When did you become Dr. Phil?"

I laugh and throw my head enjoying being able to laugh with my friend once more. "Sometime between fighting with Madison and being punched out by you."

John nods in agreement and sits back more at ease than I've seen him in months. "That certainly would do it. Are you happy for us Orton? I mean really happy about the baby?"

I smile and nod. "John I'm so happy for the two of you. I can't think of two people who would be better parents. You deserve it."

John gives a deep sigh as he sits and thinks over something. I know that the two of us have cleared a lot up when it came to my feelings for Madison, but I'm not sure where we stand, and I don't know if John knows either.

"Randy," he says breaking me from my daze. "I want to be cool again. I want to be that way again ya' know? I just don't know—I don't--- I'm not."

"Me either," I tell John. "I don't know where to start to get back to the beginning," I tell him. "I don't know how to get it all back."

"How about we start with a breakfast and workout."

I smile and nod enthusiastically. "I would love that man."

"Good, now I gotta go talk to my wife. I have some things we need to work out."

"John, be good to her, she's the best woman you'll ever know," I tell him seriously.

"I know," John says with a smile and a look of love in his eyes that tells me that he will always want to be the one to take of Madison. No matter how many times a day she seems to get on his nerves. "See you tomorrow Orton."

"Bright and early, sunshine," I yell to his back which already half way out the restaurant with the phone to his ear.

With a hand waved towards me in acknowledgement John's back disappears out the doors of the restaurant. I know that I've finally started on the road back to friendship with John and nothing seems sweeter than this moment.

Maybe I can start listening to some happier music. And maybe take a vacation or two.


	11. Chapter 11

**Thank you for all the reviews and support for this story. I'm sorry that it took so long to update, my Taker muses have been rather demanding of me. Would you expect less from the "deadman" though? LOL Anyway thank you for the support and I hope you enjoy the update. We're coming up on the last few chs. of the story so enjoy the home stretch. And of course as always REVIEW!! thanks **

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Pregnancy is supposed to be the most magical time in a woman's life. The idea of growing life inside of your very own body. The inherit glow that supposedly happens during the magical time. But I'm feeling none of that right now. And I'm sure that if I have one more woman walk up and tell me that it's the greatest time of your life I'll be on trial for murder.

I'm sick of forcing smiles when they tell me how lucky I am. How can I possibly feel lucky when all I feel is nauseous? How can I feel this "glow" when all I see is a rather large woman staring back at me when I look in the mirror? I love the idea of starting a family, having a baby with the man I'm deeply in love with; but I absolutely hate being pregnant.

What I wouldn't give for one woman to write a book, or a celebrity to straight out say just how horrid pregnancy can be. That there isn't one day that goes by where you don't want to cry, or hate all the things that have happened to your body. Some women are made to be pregnant; some women hate it all the way through. I unfortunately have to be the latter.

However I am pretty sure that nauseous feeling that is sitting in the pit of my stomach has nothing to do with my now extremely active baby. At six months into the pregnancy I'm trying to keep a hold on my weight gain and sleep through the constant kicking and squirming that the baby is doing. And I'm also travelling one last time with John before I'm forced to stay at home. And it's the prospect of that that has me nervous with anticipation and nauseated from all the ideas of what could possibly happen.

I have not spoken to Randy in six months. He has respectfully kept his distance from me. Just as he said he would during our last lunch together. And although I've loved having John all to myself without any other voices in my head whispering all of the things that could have been; I have absolutely miserable without Randy.

I miss his expensive Armani scent, the way his tall lean body always seems to fold in half when he sits down into a chair, the arrogant smirk that I know is the opposite of who he is deep down. I miss the deep baritone of his voice booming throughout the house whenever he and John get together. In short I miss all of him. And I know that it has nothing to do with my pregnancy hormones. I miss my best friend and it's been eating at me all this time.

It's part of the reason that I've been so jittery and reluctant about this trip with John. And it's most of the reason that I haven't been able to keep anything down today. This baby wants to eat, but the knot that has become my stomach won't let anything past.

"Maddie baby are you sure that you're doing ok?"

I hear John's soft voice as I lift my head from the sink. All I've been doing since we checked into the hotel room is dry heaving and wetting my face to try and get over the attack of nausea. This is not the most magical time of my life at all.

"It's probably just the travelling that has me feeling like this. I'm sure that I'll be fine," I say as cheerily as I can. John's eyes are full of worry for me and our baby and I hate to add to it. Especially since he has to leave for the arena within the next half hour.

"You don't look fine Madison. Maybe you should see a doctor."

"John, we're a thousand miles from home, and I'm not spending the entire day in the hospital because I feel a bit queasy. I know you're worried about me," I add quickly seeing the frustration that starts creeping into his eyes. He wants to take care of me and he hates if I refuse him. "But I've been dealing 

with this for six months. I am sure I would know if there was something really wrong. It's just been a long day."

I hear the long sigh escape John's lips and know that he's not going to fight with me. And I send up a silent prayer of thanks. My nerves are shot as it is and I don't know if I would be able to handle a fight between John and me.

"Alright Maddie, if you say that you'll be fine I'll believe you. I have to leave soon," he tells me checking his watch. And I swallow the roll of my eyes that I feel coming on. Why do men always need to point out the obvious? "Will you be ok on your own?"

"I won't be on my own. I'm going with you remember?"

I notice the look of skepticism on John's face and gave him a questioning look. "What's the problem? We already agreed that I would be going to the arenas with you. The only reason that I said I would come on this road trip was to spend more time with you and see everyone one last time before I had to be stuck at home. You aren't going to tell me that you're just going to leave me here in the room by myself the entire time John."

It seems that before I know exactly what is happening, I'm wiping tears from my eyes and throwing some sort of curses at John who is standing there looking more than a bit bewildered. And the moment that I notice his face of shock I start to cry even harder. I'm crying because I hate not being able to control my emotions. I cry because I'm yelling at my husband when there is absolutely no cause for it. I'm starting to feel like an emotional basket case, and all I can do is cry about it.

"Maddie," John has me in his arms in a matter of seconds. "You don't have to cry baby," he whispers to me as I bury my head into his chest. "No one is telling you that you are going to spend the whole trip in the hotel room. I just thought that tonight it might be better if you stay here and rest. You're tired and nauseous. I just don't want you to push it too hard just for me."

I take a moment to calm my breathing and get control over my crying. I should have known that all he wanted was for me to take it easy. I should know so many things about John that I don't know. I should know if he wants a boy or a girl more; I should know if he plans on cutting down his wrestling schedule, or if he wants to give it up entirely. I should know that all he wants is for me to make it through this pregnancy without so many problems. But I don't. I don't know any of these things. I don't know what his plans are for after the baby, or what he thinks when he sees me having a hard day. He's my husband and somehow we're still such a mystery to each other. And that thought frightens me more than anything else.

"Alright Cena, I'll stay here tonight. But I get to go with you to every other show while I'm here," I tell him as I smile up into his face. I may not know all that I need to know, but one look into his amazing blue eyes and I know all that I need to know. I love him and that should be all that matters. That is all that matters.

"I promise Maddie, I will let you come with me every other night. I just think that tonight you should stay here and rest."

I nod and gladly accept the tender kiss that he's bending down to give me. I know what's coming next. He's going to lead me over the bed, tell me to rest and then leave. He'll tell me at least twice that he'll miss me and he feels terrible for leaving me alone. And I'll simply smile, pat his cheek and tell him to go. 

I may not know all that there is to know about him, but I do know that John says goodbye to me the same way just about every time that he leaves.

And I smile to myself as he places me on the bed and runs a large hand through my hair before placing a soft kiss on top of my head. It's the same every time. He leaves so often that I know exactly how it's going to go, yet I can't get used to it.

I still feel like a little piece of me is leaving whenever John goes on the road again after taking a short break from work. My heart isn't whole unless I have him with me, holding me and telling me all the sweet little things that he is intent on saying day after day. But then again I haven't felt very whole since the last time I saw Randy.

I was always used to having two men in my life. Two men to make sure where happy and taken care of, and it never bothered me. It seemed strange to so many people that my marriage always seemed to have three people in it; but it never was to me. Randy was a fixture in my life, a man that I loved from afar and kept my eye on. He was the little bit that John wasn't able to be whenever my marriage had problems. And I miss every day of my life. I know that we would have never been able to work out all that happened between us but some days I wish that we had been able to. There are some days that I wish he were around to take John by the shoulder and explain to him why I'm having such a bad day, or just how to handle my moods. There are some days that it's just too hard between John and I and I miss the buffer that Randy provided. But most of all I simply miss Randy. I miss his laughter, his deep commanding voice. The rough hands that always seemed to become more gentle than normal, whenever he touched me.

Saying goodbye to John I close my eyes and let my thoughts drift back to Randy. Only this time it isn't the same as before. I lost the feel of his lips long ago, and I haven't wanted his touch in months. Now I find myself thinking about the friend that I lost. I don't know if we can go back to normal once the baby is born. Maybe things will be even more awkward. But I do know that I miss our friendship. He was the one man that felt like a girlfriend to me. He let me sit, talk, cry, eat tubs of ice cream. It never mattered to him. All that mattered was that I was getting my time to vent, to talk through my problems. He took me shopping on all day sprees and made fun of John to help me relieve my stress. That man was the best girlfriend that I had.

The knock at the door startles me awake. I sit up and try to focus on what happened. I don't even recall feeling sleepy enough to fall into such a quick sleep. But the fog that my mind is in tells me that I did in fact fall asleep the minute that John left the hotel room.

I grunt as I lift myself off of the bed. I've been careful about my weight gain during this whole thing. It doesn't mean though that I haven't gotten rather large. It seems that any weight that I have gained has gone straight to my stomach which is poking out like a large balloon that is ready to pop at any moment.

I open the door without looking, thinking that it's simply John back to get his room key, or anything else that he may have forgotten. The man is always in a hurry and is always doubling back to get something that he left behind.

"What did you forget this time honey?" I ask as I open the door.

"Well I forgot John, or at least I haven't picked him up yet."



I smile and lift my eyes to see an amused look on Randy's face. My surprise at seeing him is only overshadowed by my pure joy of seeing him. I'm not silly enough to believe that I conjured Randy with my thoughts, but the coincidence of seeing him the day that I start thinking about him again is enough for me.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," I say as my smile grows and I watch him shift nervously on his feet.

"Yeah, uh, John called and asked if I could give him a ride to the arena. I figured that we'd just meet up at his room like normal, but I guess he isn't here."

I shake my head and move aside. "No, he left already, but come on in."

I notice the awkward look on Randy's face and know the nervousness that he's feeling. I know it because I'm feeling it as well. Nearly six months of not seeing one another; I don't know what to say to him, or where to start.

"I don't know if I—"

"Please Randall, come in for a minute," I ask him quietly stopping his protest. I know that he feels weird. I know that he's still having a hard time about all of this. But I can't just give up this easily.

I walked away once because he wanted me to, the least that he can do is stay for five minutes because I want him to.

He nods uncomfortably and walks inside standing as close to the door as he can get without seeming rude.

"John asked for a ride?" I ask him to find out why and try to get Randy to loosen up. I know this reunion is strained, but I can't feel anything but excitement that it is actually happening.

"Yeah, he called me about twenty minutes ago. Said that something came up and he needed a ride. He didn't go into any detail."

I smile and sit down on the bed as the familiar dizziness hits me once again. "That was probably me. I wasn't feeling very well earlier, and he told me to stay home. I guess he wanted to leave the rental car for me just in case anything should happen."

Randy looks me over with a critical eye and I know what he's doing. He's trying to see if he can spot anything in particular wrong with me. If I'm not smiling as much as usual, or moving differently; but he simply smiles and rubs a hand over his chin.

"You're looking really good Maddie," he says in his deep voice. "John's been telling me what a hard time you've been having, but you look amazing."

I blush slightly and look down at the floor. John has told me that every day since he found out I was pregnant. He's picked me up off the floor while I was a crying mess and soothed me by saying how wonderful I look more times than I can keep track of. As wonderful as some women think pregnancy is, that's how much I am absolutely hating it. I hate what it's doing to my body and it's hard to feel beautiful when you are twenty pounds heavier than usual and your body is doing crazy things.

"Thank you Randal. I'm glad that someone other than John thinks that I look good. Especially since I've had a bad day."



"Are you feeling any better?"

I nod slowly and pat the bed beside me. "I think so, as long as I'm relaxing." I give him a reassuring smile to let him know that I'm telling the truth. "Really, Randy, I'm fine. It's just been a long day."

"John didn't tell me that you were coming on the road," he says trying to sound casual but I catch the undertone. He's surprised, hurt, but most of all confused.

Six months we've spent apart, it's been so long that we almost feel like strangers towards each other. He and John have worked past the awkwardness and gone back to their old ways. As much as they could anyway. But Randy and I are still at the very beginning. We don't know how to be with each other. We don't know if sitting near each other would be a good idea. Everything is so foreign that it feels new. It feels like I've never met Randy Orton before, and I'm not particularly fond of the feeling.

"It was a last minute kind of decision. I figured that I would just surprise everyone by showing up. I finally got John to agree that one last road trip before the baby would be a good idea. I'll be stuck in Tampa without a way out in a couple of months. I wanted some time with John before I can't travel and the baby comes."

"I can't believe that he actually agreed," Randy says with a chuckle. "All John talks about is how he needs to protect you and make sure that nothing goes wrong with this whole thing. I mean the way he talks you would think that you have some fatal disease or something."

I laugh and nod my head in agreement. "I know, that's just how he is though. Especially after he—well—you know after everything that happened."

Randy nods and clears his throat. He's thinking something over, I can tell by the way he's working his jaw and chewing his bottom lip that it's hard for him to figure it out. He doesn't quite know what to say.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about that Maddie," he says finally. He concentrates on the carpet in front of him as he continues on. "I think about it every night. I was wrong to do what I did. It was in the heat of the moment and I did what I thought was best but I was wrong. I shouldn't have—"

"Randal," I say softly interrupting him. "You don't need to apologize or explain anything to me. You did do the right thing. Where would we be now if we would have kept up the crazy game we were playing?" I stand and walk over to him taking his hand and the electricity that runs through my body shocks me.

I'm supposed to be over him, over needing and wanting his touch. I haven't thought about it in months. So why does it feel like I've just been completed when I grabbed his hand?

"We are both better off," I force out of my mouth trying to keep on track. "I'm doing better than ever with John. The baby is going to come soon. Life is finally falling into place. I don't know how long it will last," I tell him honestly. "But I am ready to be happy, purely happy, for as long as life will allow me."

Randy nods and he clears his throat. He's fighting back an overwhelming sense of emotions, I can see the way it works his face into different expressions. He wants to be happy that he's talking to me once more, but he doesn't know how. There is too much else that sits in our way.

"Randall, can you spare ten minutes?" I ask as he looks at me with curiosity. "Just ten minutes to work things out between us."



He checks his watch and smirks. "What more can they do to me if I'm a little late. I'm already the bad boy of the WWE."

I laugh and sit back down on the bed and wait until he is comfortably settled before I say what has been on my mind for months.

"I know that what you did was because we needed a clear-cut separation from each other. Time to work through everything that we were feeling at the time, and I thank you for that, I honestly and truly do. You saved my marriage Randy. You put whatever you were feeling and wanted aside for the sake of me and John. But I think it's time to end it."

"What do you mean?"

"Randall, it's time that we stop avoiding each other. I don't know where we stand with each other; but I know that I don't like this. I feel like we're complete strangers to each other."

"So I'm not the only one feeling odd right now," he says lightly trying to manage a smile.

"The only thing that I want to feel right now is the excitement of seeing you and talking to you. I am about to have a baby and the only thing that I can think is that I want my baby surrounded by people that will love him, or her. I didn't have much family around growing up. Mama was always on the outs with my grandmother. It made it hard for us to have family around when I was young. But I know that I want my baby loved like I never was. And even if John won't say it, he wants you a huge part of our child's life. And I can't think of denying him that. We need to forget whatever is holding us back from each other and move on."

"Maddie I don't know if I can actually do that. I love you as much as I always have and I can't just move on from that. I want to, I've wanted to for the last six months. And I thought that maybe I was, until I knock on your door and see you again. I don't know what I thought would happen, but I know that I wasn't expecting this. It all feels the same Maddie, all exactly the same."

I sigh and rub my belly as it stretches out uncomfortably. The one thing that I know about my baby for certain is that I can guarantee there won't be any staying still. Four months all I've felt was squirming and flipping. I give a small groan as a painful kick hits my insides.

"Maddie?" Randy asks concernedly. "Maddie are you alright?" He rushes over and sits by my side wrapping a large arm around me and laying a hand unconsciously on my swollen belly.

"I'm fine," I say smiling up into his concerned eyes. "It was just a hard kick. Baby likes moving around a lot. And with a little confined space the urge to try and spread out is irresistible."

Randy smiles unknowingly as he feels the baby move beneath his hands. His face lights up with surprise and awe. "Do you feel that?" he asks me happily.

I laugh and place my hand right by his. "Of course I do, baby is inside me remember?"

"Look, he wants to play, he's following my hand around."

I laugh and lean back a bit so that he can have full access to my stomach. I'm used to this, it's what John does when he's home. He talks to my stomach as he moves his hand around coaxing the baby to follow him wherever he goes. And just like now I lean back and watch with a contented smile.



"This is what I want you to be part of Randall. You don't need to have to me to take part in this. Tell me," I say getting quieter. "Tell me truthfully that you don't want to be a part of this baby's life."

"I promise that I will think about all of this," Randy says seriously as he stands from the bed. "Nothing would make me happier than to take part in your kid's life. I just have to make sure that I'm going to be ok with all of it."

Tenderly he bends to place a light kiss on my belly and whisper goodbye. I smile at the delicate interaction and keep myself from crying. I cry at TV commercials these days. And it's a struggle not to cry when I see the way Randy is whispering to my belly telling the baby that "no matter what they'll turn out beautiful just like mommy".

"I guess I'll be seeing a lot more of you since you're on the road," he says to me lightly helping me sit up a bit further.

"Only for the next couple of weeks. Then I'm being shipped back home and that'll be that," I tell him smiling.

"I guess that'll be enough for me then," he smiles at me and places a delicate kiss on my lips. "I have to go I'm already late. I'll see you around backstage, beautiful."

"Of course you will," I say to him waving him off. "Tell John that I said hi and that I'm fine. I know he's probably going to be worrying all night."

"Don't worry Maddie, I'll take care of him," Randy says laughingly before walking out the hotel door to leave me alone.

I smile and curl back up on the bed. I don't know what happened between the two of us. But I do know that at least I am fortunate enough to be moving back to a place that feels comfortable between Randy and I. My life has been empty since he left it, and I know that I couldn't be happier that I am getting him back.

One step at a time; one day at a time. I'll say that to myself as I think through everything Randy, just like I say when I'm bent over the toilet bowl purging myself of my meals for the day. One step at a time; one day at a time. It's all that I can do, and all that I can ask for.


	12. Chapter 12

**Well here it is the second to last chapter in the lives of Randy and Madison. I hope everyone enjoys the ending I gave Randy as much as I enjoyed giving it to him. **

* * *

"Time flies by", that's everyone's favorite phrase. When you don't see someone for a while the first two things that are guaranteed out of their mouths are, "how long has it been?; and then inevitably, "time flies by". They say it because it's the best way to phrase just how quickly life changes. How much things can change in such a short while. And I know exactly how it does and doesn't work inside this business.

In one day you can move from the bottom of the pack to the top. Or from the top tumbling down to the bottom. You can be healthy one minute and hurt yourself the next on one move that you went down on wrong. A hang up on the rope, going into the side posts too quickly, slipping on the turnbuckle. I make my living on a game of chance that I play with my body everyday. And every match I walk away from without an injury I smile and count my blessings. And then time flies by. Storylines change, you become the big man that you wanted to be and you're at the top right where you wanted to be. And then it all begins to stand still. You get hurt, you lose the belt and it takes months to get it all back. You stay halfway in the limelight without being the main star. You get frustrated, but you work and you work. So to all those that say time flies by, I know just how quickly it can pass and just how long it can take before it feels like any time has passed at all.

And standing on the doorway of the Cena household in Massachusettes is making me feel like both have happened simultaneously. My heart is pounding because it's been nearly a year since I've spent any time with Madison by myself and it feels as if it's been an eternity. Time has not flown by when I think about her. It creeps by so slowly until the tick of the clock is pounding inside my ears. And yet I know it hasn't gone quite that slowly because here I stand getting ready to help setup the beautiful Emma Cena's second birthday party.

Nothing can compare to the feeling I get when I hold my adorbale little princess in my arms. She's the perfect blend of her mother and her father. Beautiful curls with Madison's expresive eyes and John's dimples that make her all the more adorbale. Madison was never more right than telling me that I don't need to have her to take part in the wonderful life of their little girl. And no matter how hard it is for me to see Madison it's always more than made up for when Emma wraps her pudgy little arms around me and tells me just how much she's missed me.

I take one more deep breath before I open the door and announce my presence. "Knock, knock," I call out walking around and greeting all of the Cena's.

I laugh to myself looking around and seeing that Madison has to be losing her mind today. The Cena family is everyhwere, each "helping" in their own way; only causing more chaos. And as wonderful as the Cena's are, and as much as Madison adores them all, I know in some way she was wishing that they would have waited to come over until the party was ready to start.

"Hey, Fabo, have you seen Maddie?" I call over to John's father who is trying desperately to create the perfect arrangement of ballons.

"Kitchen, getting snacks ready or something," he calls out distractedly.

I throw a thanks behind my back as I make my way to the kitchen. I'm about to call out before I look at the beautiful sight before me. There stands Madison hunched over with a bright smile on her face as she stares at Emma. I nearly start laughing as I see Emma's face, lips pouted, hands on hips but a smile still playing on her lips and lighting her eyes.

I lean against the nearest wall and watch without interrupting. It hadn't taken long to realize that Madison was an amazing mother. She was strict and compassionate. She could punish her baby and 

then swiftly comfort and make everything better as if it never happened. Nothing was more important than her family and making sure that her wonderful daughter stayed happy and well behaved.

"Well then I guess someone doesn't want to be the birthday girl and get all her presents?" I hear Madison ask lightly as she continues to look down at her daughter. "If you're going to be mad, mad, mad all day maybe everyone should go home."

Emma shakes her head of bouncy curls and squeaks out a small "no" before hugging her mothers leg and turning around. "Randa," she squeals happily running over to me to hug my leg. "It my birday," she says smiling and pointing to herself.

"I know it is princess. That's why I'm here today. Let me say hi to mommy ok?" I wait for Emma to nod and dislodge herself from my leg before I swing her into my arms and kiss her cheek. "You look so pretty today, why don't you go play for a little bit?"

I notice Madison smiling brightly at me and smile back walking over. "So how's everything going today?" I ask as I walk over to the counter.

I hear her groan and fight back the laugh that is sitting in the back of my throat. I cough to disguise the small laughter that is still coming out. But the dirty look that she's giving me tells me that she heard my laughter and does not appreciate it.

"Do not laugh. Everyone wants to help do something, or has an opinion on how something can be done better. The only thing that I wanted was a nice day where the family could get together, have some cake and give Em some presents. Instead it turns into this production."

"I see that. How are you holding up through it all?"

"Why do you think I'm hiding in the kitchen?" she says softly and then winking. "The only place that they won't corner me. Come on you're going to help me get all this stuff together," she says grabbing my arm and dragging me around the counter.

I groan and shake my head. "Maddie you know I'm no good at cooking or baking or whatever this is. I was hoping that maybe I'd just put up some banners or balloons, move furniture. You know man type stuff."

I give a groan as Madison grabs my arm and pulls me around to the other side of the counter to start helping her make some appetizers.

"Yes, yes Randall," she says dismissively to me. "I know that you are a man, a big strong man. But what I need is you in the kitchen to save me. I've been looking forward to you coming here all morning, you aren't escaping me that easily," she admitted with an easy smile my way.

I kept the growl in my chest to myself as the anger that I felt at myself began to grow. It had been years since I had any sort of intimate contact with her and yet it all remains the same. My heart is pounding in my chest as I hear her admission that she wants me to stay close. That somehow through all our troubles she still counts on me to make her happy. My heart wants to start singing in victory that I have finally done it; I have finally gotten Madison Cena to fall in love with me. It wants to run away with the delusion that we can now be happy together and have our own little family while doing everything we can to make Emma the happiest little girl on Earth.



I feel it all there, in every rapid beat of my heart. The joy, the hope, and the misleading swell of love that I wanted to believe she was emitting like warm rays from the sun. And I have to fight it off before I say something foolish or let Madison known just what exactly I am thinking.

"I'm pretty sure that if I wanted to escape from this kitchen there wouldn't be too much that you could do to stop me," I say offhandedly, trying my best to hide the thick emotions that are coursing through me.

I hear a little giggle from her as she starts getting everything together. "But I know something that you don't know," she says confidently.

"Oh, and what exactly would that be?" I ask her with sincere curiosity.

"You won't leave me because you love me too much. You'd feel so guilty that you would come walking back in here in a couple of minutes telling me that you are at my beck and call for the day."

I nod laughing and bump her softly with my shoulder. "You are absolutely one hundred percent right about that," I agree.

"So now that that is all settled, help me get these fruit salads ready."

"Yes Ma'am."

She falls silent while we stand and put together two large bowls of fruit salad. And in the silence I'm glad to feel the strong tide of emotion slowly ebb back to normality. Madison's close proximity is still sending me into overdrive, and the scent that is coming off her skin should be criminal but I can control myself. I'm not feeling the urge to say or do anything inappropriate. I can stand next to her without feeling compelled to have her in my arms or taste her lips.

"So Randy, is Eva coming to join in the party?"

I look over and see that she has her eyes firmly trained on the fruit in front of her. Madison has always been uncomfortable around Eva since I started seeing her again. Eva believes that Madison hates her; I know it's simply the embarrassment from their first meeting that keeps Madison at a distance. She doesn't want Eva to get the impression that she tried to horde in on my relationships or break them up. And I know that bring Eva up is a bit uncomfortable for her.

I shake my head and fit the smirk that is playing on my lips. She looks too adorable, her face a perfect picture of concentration while she tries to stay composed. She's biting the corner of her lip, trying very hard not to look up from her thick lashes. Her brows trying to come together under her intense look of concentration. Its looks like that that make me want to hold her, and love her like I've never been able to before.

"No, she's not coming," I say off handedly. Hoping against hope that I won't have to tell her exactly why Eva won't be coming.

"Why not? I've seen her play with Em, she always seems like she genuinely likes being around Emma."

"That's because she does genuinely like being around Emma," I say genially.

"So then why isn't she coming?"



"She doesn't want to intrude on what she thinks is a family function."

"Randall, it's a birthday party, not a wedding or anything. Besides, she knows that you are practically family and if she's with you then she's more than welcome."

I sigh and place my hands on the counter. I hear the disbelief in her voice. She is so afraid that Eva hates her. And I don't know how to tell her that she isn't the reason for Eva's aversion to her.

"She just feels a bit weird," I say with more than an edge to my voice.

My heart is beginning to pound again and I can feel my nerves start to build. I cannot tell her that Eva knows that I will never completely get over my love for Madison. That Eva has a deep seeded hurt from the idea that I won't be getting over Madison any time soon. We have just gotten over the hurdle of my unwanted advances and Madison's attraction towards me. Bringing it up now would be relationship suicide between the two of us.

The simple thought of not having Madison in my life almost brings on a panic attack. I can feel my chest tighten and the trouble that I'm beginning to feel while I take in long deep breathes. My hands begin to tremble from the terrifying idea and I clutch onto the counter just a bit harder to disguise my sudden distress.

"There is nothing weird about accompanying your boyfriend to a birthday party. It is perfectly acceptable by all standards," Madison says in the formal tone only she can make sound so light and friendly.

"Maddie, it's just hard for her to—she—it's just difficult," I finish lamely knowing that she won't accept such an undefined explanation.

Laying down her knife she now turns to face me with a determined look upon her face. And this is it. I know that I'll have to tell her why Eva is sitting at home waiting for me to call her rather than by my side. She'll know my feelings have yet to die out and think me a complete fool. And I can't say that I don't agree.

I should know better by now. I should know that she is only John's and won't possibly see anyone else. My heart should know to protect itself against the magnificent charms of Madison Cena. My head should shut itself off from all of my wild day dreams. I have known for years that she will never be mine, and yet I still can't help hoping. Feeling it rise in my stomach and flush through my heart to send it beating rapidly.

True, I have Eva, and she is absolutely wonderful. I never think of anyone else when she is in my arms. Her tall lean figure, and dark features are absolutely stunning. I feel lucky to have such a woman. Especially after nearly blowing it all after she met Madison. And I never want to trade Eva in for Madison. I simply can't help the swell of love that my heart feels whenever I lay eyes on Madison. I'm happy with Eva; but it's the happiness of knowing that I have settled for someone near the level of Madison.

It's a sad thing to say. It's rude and crass and I understand that more and more every time that I think such things. I curse my heart and scream at my head to get itself all together. And I feel whole and put together, until I see Madison once more. I don't know how to feel otherwise.



"Randall, I want you to be honest with me now. I won't stand for any of these flimsy excuses. Eva won't come around because of me; because of what I said the first time I met her right? I won't be angry I promise. It was my entire fault. I was upset about John and I said things to take it out on you and her. I only did it because you were so caught up in her. I don't know why I felt so threatened by her, but I was. The mere thought of another woman with you that night when I was so upset it nearly sent me over the edge. I should never have said such things."

My heart skips a beat as I hear her confess her jealousy. She had never before expressed such strong sentiment towards me. How wonderful it would be to let her keep all the blame on herself, just to hear more about the strength of her feelings for me.

"I've told her that I was sorry and it was inexcusable. I've even reassured her more than once that nothing was going on between you and I. She knows how in love with John I am."

My heart sinks and I curse at myself internally. When will I learn to not get excited over the smallest things?

"Is there something that I can do to make her feel like she's welcomed here? You tell me all the time how great things are going and I want her to feel comfortable around here if the two of you are going to keep dating."

I sigh and release the iron tight grip that I've had on the counter while she was talking. I feel the tingle in my fingers as the blood rushed back into my hands to bring them to life once more. I flex my fingers slowly trying to coax the rigidity out of my fingers.

"It has nothing to do with you Maddie," I say quietly.

I love this woman more than life itself. She is gentle and kind and willingly takes on the world's problems. She's a mother and warrior. She has a fighter's spirit with an angels touch. She blames herself for all and tries to keep everyone else happy. And I don't know how to see her only as a friend. Not when we're here, so close together, talking as if nothing has ever happened between us.

"Eva feels weird watching me around you," I let out in a rush of breath. "It really has nothing to do with you," I say slowly turning my attention to the fruit salad before me.

I hear Madison move lithely besides me. Her graceful, fluid movements are the only sound in the kitchen as she moves back and forth preparing for the party.

"Would it be terrible of me if I said that I don't fully understand?" she asks after a long silence.

I give a small laugh and shake my head. "Of course not; I would not expect anything less from you other then asking a thousand questions."

"I'm not really that nosy you know."

"No, you're curious, inquisitive; you always need to understand completely. It isn't a bad thing Madison," I tell her quickly at the hurt look that is pulling her lips down at the corners into a small frown.

"Are we too close to each other? Does she not like the way we hug or something?" Madison asks quickly. She always has a tendency to talk too fast when she's over emotional. "I know we don't hang all 

over each other so what is it? Do I stare at you wrong or something? Does she not like the way we joke around? I know that I can say some things that sound kind of mean, but you know it's only joking. I mean you say them right back. I don't' want to hurt her feelings or anything."

"I told you that it has nothing to do with you Madison. I didn't say that to be kind or spare your feelings."

"How can she not be comfortable around us and it have nothing to do with me?"

I hear the exasperation and desperate need to find clarity in all of this. She wants it all to sound rational when it is all so irrational.

"Madison, she doesn't like to see me with the one woman that I can possibly be completely happy with. She doesn't like seeing me around the one woman she knows in my eyes she'll never compare to."

I meet her eyes for a long moment and watch as comprehension dawns on her. I see the moment of understanding flash through her eyes before she looks down at the floor no longer able to hold my gaze.

"We've been doing wonderful, and I'm so happy with her but she just feels insecure when she sees how I treat you."

Madison immediately looks up with a look of confusion and annoyance. "That's absolutely ridiculous. You treat her ten times better than you've ever treated me. I don't mean that you treat me wrong," she says quickly working to clarify her words. "It's just that you treat me like a best friend, maybe a sister, but Eva gets more. You spoil her and make sure that wants for nothing. You treat her like a princess," she says with a smile.

"Thanks for saying that," I say slightly blushing. "But I don't think she is looking for how much I can give her monetarily."

"What does she want? Does she want you to miss her when she's not around, or stare at her like she's all that you will ever see? You do those things already Randy."

I shake my head. "She isn't all that I ever see. As much as I act it and she wants to believe it, she knows it isn't true. Whenever I'm with you, you're all that I think about. I don't know how it hasn't gotten any easier but it hasn't. I still want you more than ever," I say shyly reaching out my hand towards her.

She takes my hand smiling and shakes her head in slight disbelief. "With all due respect Randy, that has to be the dumbest thing you've ever said to me. I mean this really tops it all."

I stare at her hurt and very confused. I tell her I'm still madly in love with her and she's laughing at me? I move to take my hand away but she holds firm telling me that she isn't done and wants me to keep listening.

"I know that all of—this," she says trying to find a way to describe all that has gone on between us. "is all very hard on you. It was hard on me too, for a long time. I missed having my friend around. I missed being able to laugh with you and play around with you. Hearing you laugh, helping me pick on John. I missed everything that you were to me. So please don't think that I'm downplaying what we are to each other."

"So what are you saying?"



I hear a sigh from her and she hops up on the counter, taking my hand back in hers. "I need to look you dead in the eye when I say this," she says explaining her sudden move. "You Randall are an extremely stubborn man."

I give a laugh and nod my head. "Not the first time that I've heard that," I say.

"And it won't be the last, trust me. But my point is that the one thing you do better than anything else is fight. You fight for a living and you fight every emotion that you have inside of you. You keep it inside hoping that it will just go away all on its own. So when you stop fighting and you give in to what you're feeling it's such a surge of emotion that you don't know what to do. You get crushed under it like an unrelenting tidal wave. And there's no talking to you till you finally surface from it."

"You were my last tidal wave," I say in an almost questioning manner, trying to follow her thinking.

"And we needed all that time together so that you could catch your breath and resurface. No one should ever doubt your passion Randall. You are overly passionate underneath all of that calm armor. And I understand that you are a bit hesitant to feel anything after our debacle. But if you don't admit to yourself just how much you care about Eva you are going to lose the best woman that has come along in a long while."

"How do you know just how much I care about Eva?" I ask with a grin.

"The way that you look at her. You are fighting it every step of the way but you're losing the battle. You are doing what comes natural to you."

"What is natural about any of this?" I ask her generally confused.

How can she say that falling in love with your best friend's wife is normal? Or that hanging onto those feelings with all one's might is normal? I may not know all that there is to know about life, but I do know that nothing I have been doing lately is normal.

"Randy, how did the two of you get back together?"

I feel my eyes squint as I stare at the counter top trying to remember what it was that had happened to bring us back together. When had I decided that I needed to call Eva again? What was it that made me decide that I did like her enough to give it a go?

"I don't know really. I uh- I guess I called her up after you told me about being pregnant. I was feeling lonely, and I thought of her. I remembered that I really did like her company so I called and begged her to give me one more shot. Didn't work right away but she gave in eventually."

"Why did you keep trying after she shot you down? Why not move on to someone else?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I wasn't interested in anyone else. I see women all the time but Eva was the one that kept coming to my mind."

"Are you listening to yourself? Where am I in this equation? I'm no where among your thoughts of Eva. You are hanging on to feelings that you really don't have anymore. We're family Randy, you know that. So you know that you'll always have me around. But we certainly are not anything more. If you think long and hard about it, I bet you wouldn't even feel that you wanted to be anything more."



She lifts my hand up and kisses my palm. She gives me a small smile and pulls me into a hug. "You are such a confused man Randall. Don't confuse love with being in love."

I pull back and stare at her for a long while. This is the woman that I had always said would be the only one for me. I had said for years that I would find no one as wonderful than her. Although now she isn't in my daydreams. I don't see her when I close my eyes and see my future. I may not know who's there in my future but the knowledge that it isn't Maddie sends waves of relief through me.

"Thank you Madison. You are absolutely amazing," I say dropping a kiss on her head and placing her back on the ground.

"You trying to hit on my wife again?" I turn to see John standing in the doorway of the kitchen smiling, his eyes dancing. "How are you man?"

"I'm doing good. Your wife has me in here to protect her from your family," I say embracing John in a quick hug.

John laughs and walks over to Madison grabbing her and placing a quick kiss on her lips before settling in to help with setting up. "I see they got a bit out of hand. But you don't have to hide from them anymore baby. I'm here, I'll protect you from the big bad Cenas."

I watch the love that is shared between the two of them and smile. Madison is right. It'll take a while for me to completely come to grips with it but she is right. She has who she's meant to be with and I just might have the one that I've been looking for in Eva. The thought brings a smile to my face and sends me out of the room as I reach for my phone.

"I didn't think you'd call so soon," I hear Eva's soft voice float through the phone. She's geniunely happy and touched that I called so shortly after leaving her side.

"Well I missed you real bad and wanted to hear your voice," I say honestly.

She gives a laugh that sounds like a beautiful song and lets out a long breath. "I thought that you would be soaking up as much time as you could with Madison."

"We had a nice long talk but she's enjoying time with her husband and I'm enjoying a conversation with my wonderful girlfriend."

"Randy, what happened to you? Not that I don't enjoy the way you're talking to me right now but it isn't you."

I laugh and walk outside to take in the fresh air and get some more privacy. "I got some good advice and figured something out."

"What would that be exactly?"

"That there is no way on this Earth that I could possibly love Madison the way I do you."

I enjoy our conversation until I see guests start to arrive. And I reluctantly hang up the phone. Yes time stands still, but it also flies by. And I love how it has just done both.


End file.
